Beagles are People too!

I've got a Beagle.

I had a Snoopy infatuation from the moment I saw my first Peanuts cartoon. Snoopy was the coolest. I had to get a Beagle.

I named my Beagle Archie, after Archie Goodwin, the Man of Action from the Nero Wolfe mysteries. I named him that because, in one book, Archie says, "Well, I'm no Beagle..." and well, it just fit.

Archie, a.k.a Archie the Wonder Beagle; Archie Goodwin, Beagle of Action; Big Fat Beagle; Archie with the Big Beagle Belly; and of course, the Regal Beagle (Recently I was trying to tell Archie to stop being a nutjob and somehow it came out NutButt and Scott loves that one best).

I've had Archie since he was a puppy. I didn't do any homework about Beagles. I assumed they were all like Snoopy. I really should have done some research. I still would have gotten a Beagle, but at least I would have been prepared.

Archie eats any and all people food*. It doesn't matter if you say no. It doesn't matter if it is on the table. It doesn't matter if it is on the counter. What matters is he can reach it, and he got to it before you could stop him. Squirt him with water? He doesn't care. Smack him? Ditto. Yell? Ha. Chase? Oh, a reward! If you want to punish him, you have to have food and not let him have it. You have to actually taunt him to see him react like he is being punished. That's the only way to punish him. And then? Puppy-dog-eyes and I cave. He is more stubborn than I am.

*The funny thing is that he is a food snob. Asparagus? Raw or cooked is fine. Mushrooms? Must be cooked. Chicken or Beef? Either. Fish? First he has to make this smacking noise, drop the fish on the ground, roll his head in it, stand up, stare at it, roll his back in it, stand up, sniff it, and then finally eat it.

When he was a puppy he learned how to knock a beer bottle over and lick up the contents before I came back in the room. Sticky tables and dry carpets were the only things that gave him away (Many thanks to Bobby Sunshine for teaching this trick to Archie, along with some other ones that call Bobby's common sense into question).

The beagle has some other, shall we say interesting traits. He has a foot fetish. He wants to lick your bare feet. Between the toes. On the heel. For like an hour. Sometimes he'll lick the bottom of my sock in an attempt to get me to remove it. If I have a bare foot under the covers he will go in under the covers after it. Likewise he loves any and all sweat. If you exercise and then sit down where he can reach you, every drop of sweat is his. Push him away? Nonsense. He will fight his way back. He's really helping you out, you know.

He also has toxic gas. SBD in ways I cannot describe. Many a nights I have awoken to find his ass on my pillow, in my face, and the smell of death and garbage surrounding my head. At that point I promptly turn over and fart in his face. Tit for tat.

When he gets cranky he barks. Sure, all dogs do that, but Archie propels himself backwards as he barks. The more he barks the further back he goes. Sometimes he'll bark until he hits a wall. Sometimes he adjusts his route so that he barks himself in a circle, or down the stairs, or into another dog - and then he acts offended - Out of my way, dog, I'm talking with the other people.

He sings. If I sing, he sings along. The worse I sing, the more he sings. Scott hates this because it means I intentionally sing as badly as I can just to get Archie to sing along.

He's demanding. If he knows I am leaving the house he will follow me around until I give him a treat and say good-bye. If I am packing for a trip he will come into the room, sit on the bed, turn his back on me, glare at me over his shoulder, and once I notice it, he will snap his head around and actively shun me.

However, the craziest thing of all about Archie is that he thinks he is a person.

Really.

How do I know this?

• He won't play with the other dogs. They are dogs. He played fetch and tug-of-war and all doggie games when he was the only dog. Once another dog came along, and he saw them doing that, he completely stopped. Only dogs do that. I am not doing that. Do that with the dog.
• He sleeps in the bed with his head on the pillow and his body under the covers (unless you are unlucky and he is turned around, per my example above).
• He does this crabby wake-up routine that rivals Scott's. When you turn the light on, he does this squinting thing, then yawns, licks his lips, squints again, and then puts his head back on the pillow. Not yet mom, another five minutes.
• When Archie is on the bed or a chair, and you tell him to move, he'll give you this look like, Are you fucking kidding me? I was here first, jackass. Find another spot. Hey, stop pushing me!
• When we tell the dogs to go out he barks at the other dogs. Get out you dogs! You heard mom and dad. All the people are telling you to go outside. When this is followed by one of us saying, "You too, Archie" he looks crestfallen. Of course, this applies to anything we tell the dogs to do.
• When we activate the alarm Archie tries to leave with us. The voice said the people should exit the premises. Why are you pushing me back inside?
• He's stubborn and vindictive. One year I left Archie with my dad while I went on vacation. Dad loves to read, and Archie was not getting as much attention as he would have liked. So, when dad put his glasses down on the coffee table and left the room, Archie promptly chewed them up and then left them where dad would immediately find them. Another time, Archie was trying to let my mom know he had to go outside. When she ignored him he looked at her and pissed right there in front of her. I said I have to go out, woman!
• He is downright sneaky. Archie loves when we grill - steak, chicken, fish, it doesn't matter. Once we are inside he sneaks into the back of the grill and pulls out the drip tray and shreds it. Also? He ripped and stripped the ignition wiring when we started finding ways to thwart his drip tray access. If I can't have my drippings, you can't have your grill. (Eventually Scott outsmarted him on this, but I know it is only a matter of time before they have another battle of wills over the grill.)
• He smacks people. If he needs to go out and you don't respond to the barking he will come and smack your leg. Have some food that you are selfishly not sharing? He will smack your leg. Are the dogs out of food and/or water? He will smack your leg. Does he want something from you and you have no idea what it is? He will smack your face. Just like a man, he uses physical force to get your attention.

Of course, it must be said that while he insists he is a person, he would never be as loved if he was one. He is too stubborn and obnoxious to have such a cushy life as a person.

But...

When I am lonely? He's totally there. When I am unhappy? He's totally there. If I cry? He licks the tears off of my face. He's not the first dog I have ever had. He's not the only dog I currently have. He is, however, one of a kind.