Ask Sarcastica

Dear Sarcastica,
I’m a socially awkward boy without any real friends. Recently, an older man befriended me and told me he wants to show me “magical things – the likes of which [I’ve] never seen before” and that I should come over to his house. It sounds intriguing, but I’m wondering if it is really kosher.
Signed,
Art

Dear Once and Future Victim,
A strange, older man shows up and wants you to come over to his house? Kosher? Not so much. If this old perv is a legitimate magician, he can perform for you in public, with lots of witnesses.

Dear Sarcastica,
My stepmother is a real witch! She makes me clean all day long and she treats me like a slave. My ugly stepsisters get to relax by the pool all day while I’m doing laundry and cleaning out fireplaces. Help!
Signed,
Good Girl

Dear Complainer,
First of all, if your stepmother was a real witch she would just say, bibbity, bobbity, boo! and the whole house would be clean – so she may be a word that rhymes with witch, but she has no real power. And since she has no real power, you can either stick it out till you are 18 and then leave, or call child protective services on her ass and watch her get thrown in jail. Your choice.

Dear Sarcastica,
I live with a great bunch of guys (7 actually) – but they are just friends, and they all really want more. I’ve told them time and time again that I am waiting for my Prince Charming, but they still hit on me. The problem is I love living with these guys – I pay no rent and I do no chores (we have outside help that takes care of everything). What can I do?
Signed,
Ms. White

P.S. I tried telling them I was a lesbian but none of them bought it.

Dear Pure as the Driven Snow,
Sounds like you’ve got a pretty cushy arrangement there. My suggestion is that you bring a beautiful woman over one night when they’ll all be home and make out with her on the couch. That’ll convince them you like chicks, and maybe convince you that you’re really looking for your Princess Charming.

Dear Sarcastica,
I’m a guy from the wrong side of the tracks and I’ve fallen head-over-heels for this beautiful lady. How can I woo her?
Signed,
Just a Tramp

Dear Little Tramp,
Well, you’re just going to have to be bold and ask her out. Make sure you take her someplace fancy where you can show her that you fit in her life. I’d find a nice, out of the way, Italian restaurant and share a nice dinner. Just remember your table manners!

A baker's half-dozen rants

Rants:

1. I'm on meds, and lately the symptoms I take the meds for have intensified. Why? Because all my meds have my symptoms as side effects. That's right, my anti-anxiety med causes anxiety. Fuck off.


2. Doing the 'right thing' for your health doesn't always make sense. So I'm trying to eat healthier and save money, so we eat home most nights. Most times I make some big meal on Sunday that we do as left overs on Mondays and Tuesdays. Then a dinner out, and then another home cooked for Thursday and Friday, and then out on Saturday. So the problem with this is that I've had to run the dishwasher every night for the last 4 days. That's right. Every. Fucking. Day. I'm single-handedly depleating the water supply for the planet.


3. Apples brown too quickly. I can't slice them at home and seal them and have them fresh by the time I get to work - let alone for my mid-morning snack. So, I take my apple corer-slicer thingy with me every day, rinse it off, and forget to put it in the dishwasher every night. Why do I need sliced apples? Because I need to put light peanut butter on them so that I have protein paired with my fruit - otherwise my stupid metabolism thinks the fruit is in fact a candy bar. Hello - if I wanted you to process food like a candy bar I would eat a fucking candy bar. And yes, sometimes I buy those pre-sliced ones at the grocery store, but they are more expensive and harder to find on a regular basis.


4. I can't get my cereal at the grocery store. Some time ago the good folks who make Cheerios started making Berry Burst Cheerios - and I love them. Truth be told, I do not eat the berries - which sounds odd - but the dehydrated berries infuse the cheerios with a mild sweetness that makes the cheerios both an excellent crunchy snack (dry) and a healthy breakfast. So what's the problem? Giant foods doesn't carry it here in VA. Neither does Safeway. Know where I found it? Target Superstores. Yep. I have to go grocery shopping at Target when I run out of Cheerios.


5. Assholes are driving on my route. Scott and I each drive a route that contains a leg that I refer to as "the crazy route". The crazy route is mostly gravel, and it passes lots of interesting houses and businesses - it's wooded, barely 2 lanes (one each way, kind of), and you feel like you are driving through a forest. It's crazy because the road conditions are sub-sub-par, but no one is on them, so I bypass all normal traffic and generally save 15 minutes each way on my commute. Lately, there have been a bunch of slow-moving assholes on the route. To make matters worse, I heard that they are going to finally pave the crazy route, which sounds good on paper, until you realize that will shut the route down for a year and then increase traffic once the work is done.


6. Mel Gibson, bin Laden, and Prussian Blue. Take your hate and get off my planet. That's right, all the haters - all you people who hate based on religion, race, or any other "they are different" reason - and all the terrorists - get the fuck off my planet.


7. Incompetent people. Why don't you join the haters. You know why? I just watched On Native Soil, and heard over and over again how some or all of the 9/11 tragedy could have been avoided that day. THAT DAY. I'm not talking about months of government screw-ups (which honestly, were many, and FBI - hello - a database is a good idea). I'm talking about the airlines operators who kept a flight attendant on the phone for 20 minutes asking her over and over again for her name, seat number, and flight number when she was reporting the first hijacking as it happened. I'm talking about the guy at the FAA who, when asked if they needed to scramble planes to intercept the hijacked planes (after the first tower was hit) said, "I don't know, everyone just left the room". I'm talking about the air traffic controllers who thought that flight 11 was in the air 15 minutes after it hit WTC 1 - and losing the other flights in the process. I'm looking at the transportation authority that took too much time to alert all in-air flight crews that multiple hijackings were occurring and to be super vigilant. This deserves an entire blog, but I'm too upset to write it.

And here are my thanks:

• Thank you, families of 9/11 victims who fought for the commission.
• Thank you, Joe Liberman and John McCain, for fighting with them. It's nice to see politicians helping people.
• Thank you, committee members who came up with real ideas to try to fight terrorist threats.
• Thank you for making On National Soil. I bawled like a baby while I watched it. I'll never be able to watch footage of that day without bursting into hysterics.
• Thank you, General Mills, for making Berry Burst Cheerios. I'm actually eating breakfast every day.
• Thank you, Super Target, for my Berry Burst Cheerios.
• Thank you, Plant-a-Plant nursery, your grounds are my favorite part of the crazy drive - your ponds and the bridge and the geese are awesome.
• Thank you, miscellaneous wildlife on the crazy route. You are awesome, you deer, llamas, alpacas, bunnies, raccoons, gophers, beavers, and donkeys - you make me smile.
  

And last but not least...Thanks for letting me rant, and thanks for coming along for the ride.

Ask Sarcastica: Head to Head

This week I'm going to go head-to-head with Dear Prudence (By Emily Yoffe) - below are the Q&A from this week's column, followed by my answer.

Dear Prudence,
I work for a small company as part of the very small accounting department. A few months ago, I accidentally uncovered evidence of my immediate boss (with whom I am friendly) embezzling what I first thought were small sums of company money. I was stunned at what I saw but thought maybe he'd obtained permission to take out loans. I guess I was hoping this. I never felt comfortable casually bringing up what I found, so I didn't do anything. Yesterday, I saw evidence of repeated and ever-increasing theft and don't really know what to do. The easy answer is to turn him in, but I would be the direct beneficiary of him being fired if I were given his job. Also, this is a small town, and the situation would ruin all job prospects for him here. I've discussed this with my father and he thinks I should stay out of it. I also have always had an aversion to ratting people out. Yet, if this ever comes out, the owner of the company will know that I at least had suspicions but never told him. What do I do?
—Losing Sleep

Dear Losing,
What if he is guilty and you don't report him? What if he's not and you do? (And what kind of accountant keeps his mouth shut in the face of possible financial crimes?) I brought your dilemma to an employment attorney, Christopher E. Ezold, who practices in Bala Cynwyd, Pa. He points out that you would be violating your duties to the company by seeing possibly fraudulent activities and saying nothing. On the other hand, you could be liable for defamation if this guy hasn't done anything wrong and you accuse him of embezzling. Ezold suggested you bring the questionable transactions to the attention of the owner. Say they raised some concerns with you and you wanted to make sure they were appropriate. I'll add that you should stop worrying about being a rat or ruining this man's job prospects. If he's an embezzler, his job prospects deserve to be ruined.
—Prudie

Dear Accountable,
Wow. You suspect fraud. Ever heard of Enron? Ever heard of accessory after the fact? Here’s what you do, keep your mouth shut, and when someone busts this guy you just tell them that you suspected it all along and but you didn’t want to be a rat.

Dear Prudie,
I have been together with my wife for five years, two of those married. No kids. I'm 38 and she's six years older. We love each other and spend most of our time together (we both work from home), support each other and feel we are a great team. The only thing that's a bit strange is that we don't have sex. We kiss and cuddle and touch but hardly ever get ourselves to perform the act. It has been a slow fade-out over the last three years, but I would say neither of us miss it too much. A friend I told about this thinks there is something deeply wrong and that we should see a therapist right away. Now I'm worried.
—Feeling A-OK

Dear A,
It sounds like you and your wife are the couple in the "Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder" T-shirts. It's hard to advise people who are happy that there's something wrong, but you are obviously concerned enough about this turn of nonevents to call it "strange" and bring it up with a friend. Ask yourself this question: Would you be content to imagine yourself celebrating your 20th anniversary with a toast to "Two wonderful decades of celibacy"? Having a sexless marriage, and at such a young age, is a drastic loss of intimacy, and I don't care how good at cuddling you are. This also might leave your marriage vulnerable to destruction the first time one of you comes across someone who reminds you of the power of sexual attraction. If you haven't had sex with each other for years, it may seem less awkward to try it with someone new than reintroduce it to your marriage. A physical as well as mental checkup might help you both revive this part of your lives. Another thing that might help is if one of you finds somewhere else to work, even for part of the week. Maybe you'll look at each other with more excitement if you're not looking at each other all the time.
—Prudie

Dear Eunuch,
You are a eunuch right? A priest? On medication that depletes your libido? Seriously, a man that is A-OK without sex, ever? In the immortal words of Ricky Ricardo, Lucy, you got some ‘splaining to do.

Oh, and your wife is having an affair. No way neither one of you has a sex drive.

Dear Prudence,
My father is 80 and was widowed eight months ago. He was very dependent on my mother, both practically and emotionally. My problem is that he is turning to me for support that I find hard to give. From as far back as I can remember until well into my 20s, I was terrified of him. He used to yell at me all the time, often out of the blue. Nothing I did pleased him, ever. In those years, I wanted mainly to avoid his attention. Nowadays (I'm 51), I can put that history aside for an afternoon every so often, but I can't forgive. He seems to want to chat with me on the phone several times a week, just to have someone to talk to. My father seems to have no idea that I harbor these feelings and consider him a wretched parent. He's got my brother (whom he abused much less) and his wife living nearby and they take a lot of the pressure off me, but he still wants me to be his friend. How can I steer clear of this without hurting his feelings?
—Middle-Aged Son

Dear Middle,
It's not easy figuring out what you owe an elderly parent who gave you a miserable childhood. In general, it's difficult to have sympathy for rotten parents. I'm not talking about flawed people who make mistakes but tried to do their best. I'm talking about those parents who, like your father, use their children as convenient emotional or physical punching bags. Your observation that he probably has no idea what kind of parent he was often seems to go along with this syndrome. You sound like you have a remarkably sane perspective on your father. You're right, as awful as he was, for the sake of your own mental health—for your psyche—you don't want to get even now that he's the vulnerable one. It's also not worth it to explain your antipathy—he just won't get it. But it is too much to ask for you to fill the emotional hole that has opened in his life. Since you can stand to have a civil conversation with him occasionally, why not say, "Dad, during the week I'm so overwhelmed with work and other obligations that's it hard for me to talk to you then. Let's try to talk regularly on Sunday."
—Prudie

Dear Dysfunctional Childhood,
Guess what – you’re not a kid anymore. You are a grown-up and it is time you start acting like one.

Own your own fucking pain. Your dad is an old fart with limited time left. Telling him at this point that he screwed up over 30 years ago just makes you a petty, pathetic sad little man. Suck it up, get over it, and be the bigger person. You don’t have to spend all your time with him, but talking or seeing him once a week won’t kill you.

Dear Prudence,
Recently, a close friend told me that she and her partner (also a woman) are planning to have a child. This announcement was not a complete surprise, since we had discussed the possibility before. They have selected a sperm donor from an online registry. I told her that I was glad they had made this decision and that I thought they would be wonderful parents. Since the insemination had not yet occurred and there is no pregnancy, I thought this response was sufficient. Evidently, it was not. I have since been informed that I am not supportive enough and also that I am not "excited" enough for them. Times have changed since I was pregnant 24 years ago. Intimate details of advanced gynecological procedures are discussed over dinner. The earliest sonograms are passed around the office. Am I just hopelessly out-of-date in believing that the time to celebrate begins when there is a confirmed and viable pregnancy?
—Medieval Lady-in-Waiting

Dear Medieval,
Should you have said, "I'm sure 467-B has very superior sperm"? I constantly hear from people who don't know how to keep nosy friends and co-workers from delving into intimate affairs. But you're being punished apparently for not initiating a discussion of motility. It's also likely your friend is looking for evidence that she is not being treated the same as a heterosexual would be—but surely if you knew a heterosexual couple using a sperm donor, you would behave with exactly the same reticence. I don't know any couple embarked on trying to have children, by whatever means, who want monthly inquiries as to whether anything has developed or discussions about how lucky their nonexistent offspring will be to have them for parents. Stay medieval and keep your excitement for when there is actual good news to celebrate.
—Prudie

Dear Lady,
Wait – I’m confused. They aren’t yet pregnant and you are supposed to be enthused? Here’s what I am thinking – they are insane. If you have even an ounce of sense you should say so long and good fucking riddance to that pair of nut jobs.

Ask Sarcastica: Head to Head

This week I'm going to go head-to-head with Miss Manners (By Judith Martin) - below are the Q&A from her various columns (go Google it if you want to find them), followed by my answer.

Dear Miss Manners: My best friend got married about a year ago, and I consider her and her husband both to be very good friends. My problem is that she calls me to vent every time she has a problem with her husband.

I understand the need for people to vent, but all of it is stuff that her husband would be humiliated or angry to know she was telling me. She repeats their fights word for word, tells me all about her husband's depression, private stuff about her husband's family (which she dislikes greatly), gossip about her husband's friends and co-workers, etc. She always says, "He would kill me if he knew I told you this, but . . . ."

I want to be there for her, but some things I am plain not interested in hearing. I was raised that private family stuff should be kept private. She wants more than just an ear -- she wants me to help her analyze what they really meant.

I don't know how to ask her, without hurting her feelings, to either tone down the level of info she gives me or maybe talk to someone else. I've tried, but if we're on the phone she'll talk over me and then end the call; if we're face-to-face, she'll get incredibly offended and try to pick a fight.

The truth is that she gets a thrill out of sharing confidential information, and has been this way for as long as I've known her. I can't just ignore her, because I baby-sit for her child. Any thoughts?

Gentle Reader: If Miss Manners were you, she would be thinking about getting a new best friend, even if it entailed finding a new baby-sitting job. Because your friend has always been like that, you might think about what she must be telling others about you.

It is not Miss Manners' job to break up friendships, however, and you have not proposed to do so. Merely to discourage these confidences, she would advise "being there" -- not for your friend, but for those who are, in fact, not there.

A few rounds of "Your poor husband is depressed -- you should go easy on him" and "Your mother-in-law has a point" and "They sound like people I would like" should dramatically dampen her desire for these discussions.

Dear Wussy,
Methinks thou doth protest too much. That's an awfully long letter just to ask what to do when someone shares inappropriate information with you. It seems like you are trying to out her, so to speak.

If someone says something you don't want to hear, either: a) change the subject, or b) stone up and say, "I feel uncomfortable with this information".

This passive-aggressive letter is bullshit – you're just hoping she reads it, recognizes herself and is ashamed.

Stone up or suck it up.

Dear Miss Manners: Does one give a gift for a grandchild for a piano recital? If so, what? I have two grandchildren, one 10 (girl) the other 8 (boy), and they are both having a piano recital on the same day, but I have no idea what is correct to do or rather what is expected.

Gentle Reader: You are expected to endure the entire recital -- not only the pieces played by your relatives, but everybody else's contributions as well -- with an expression of bliss on your face and hands that beat together at every opportunity. Afterward, you are expected to distribute compliments with abandon: to your grandchildren, to the other children, to their parents and to the teacher.

Musicians like to unwind after a performance, and so you might also consider taking them out afterward for a treat. That is optional, but replying to their post-performance questions by assuring them that any mistakes they mention went unnoticed is not. Miss Manners would consider all that generous enough. You do not want them expecting every occasion to be an opportunity to collect.

Dear Grandma,
The grandkids want your attendance and love. Gifts are nice, but not required. I think it is super sweet that you want to get them something – and I think it would be cool to go to a little trophy shop and make them plaques commemorating the event. But that's just me.

Yes, you need to go and listen and be gracious, but you were going to do that anyway.
(What, you want me to be pissy with a nice grandma? Go fuck yourself!)

Dear Miss Manners:
My wife is in her eighth month and quite self-conscious about her appearance. It doesn't help when certain people make comments about her. In particular, one lady at church, who seems well meaning enough, remarked at how big she was last time and puffed up her cheeks to demonstrate.

My father-in-law also doesn't help when he talks about people who are round (meaning fat in his eyes).

I know it's all part of pregnancy and that she will be back to normal in due time. How can she politely communicate to these folks that they are hurting her feelings and persuade them not to say things like that in the future?

Gentle Reader: As you acknowledge, your wife will, in the natural course of events, get past this. But Miss Manners wishes she would get past it now.

There will always be people who make foolish remarks, and pregnancy seems to be a source of inspiration to them. If your wife wants to rattle them out of their thoughtlessness, she can reply to observations about her size by saying innocently, "But I'm pregnant!"

Miss Manners does not guarantee that this will put an end to it. But you and your wife will soon have a more promising opportunity to teach thoughtfulness. It's called child-rearing.

Dear Worthless Husband,
Your wife is 8 months pregnant. I don't care if she's doubled her body weight – no one gets to criticize someone who is a carrying a human life. Jesus Christ on a crutch – your wife is going through something horrific – her body basically abusing her from the inside out for the best possible end result. RUN SOME FUCKING INTERFERENCE FOR GOD'S SAKE!

No one gets to criticize pregnant women unless they are knowingly risking the fetus (druggies, alcoholics, abusive asses). And if you don't have the sack to keep people from being rude to your wife, regardless of pregnancy, you are an ass.

Dear Miss Manners:
For the last several years, I have become aware of an "affliction" that saddens me during the normal day-to-day interactions among colleagues, friends and neighbors. (This list can be extended.)

How can one deal (correct word?) with nice people, saying "all the right things," without meaning any of it? It's just been driving me crazy as it seems to be occurring more and more.

Gentle Reader: This is not an affliction, Miss Manners assures you. It is a blessing.

For the last several decades, people have been saying all the wrong things that they really mean, from "I can't use this" instead of "Thank you" for a present; "Only a moron would think that" instead of "I'm afraid we disagree" in a political discussion and "You've put on a lot of weight" instead of "How nice to see you" on seeing an acquaintance.

If they are learning to say the right thing, good for them. In time, they will learn to say it more convincingly.

Dear Barbarian,
Why do you think they call it pleasantries? It's the practice that your mother should have instructed you in – that whole, say something nice or shut the hell up school of thought. You know, when a friend makes you dinner that tastes like shit you don't actually say, "Hey, did you actually cook shit in the oven and cover it in gravy?" You feign fullness graciously, lest you lose a friend, and then remember to only go out to eat with her from now on.

So, my column is obviously the exception to that rule, but I assure you that Ms. Sarcastica is always polite in public, regardless of her evil, evil thoughts.

Dear Miss Manners:
Our son and his then-fiancee announced via Web site post that they have decided to change their last name to a new name when they married. This caught many family members by surprise (as well as many wedding guests who had not necessarily read their Web site and then were confused when the new couple were announced as Mr. & Mrs. New Name).

It has been about a year since then, and although they use the new name in correspondence, e-mail and Web sites, they apparently have taken no steps to change their names legally, so at this point, I suppose, the new name has the status of an alias. Drivers' licenses, Social Security cards, checking accounts, etc., are all still in their legal names.

To what extent is the family obligated to use the new name? When we send them e-mail, cards and letters, on checks as gifts, when we introduce them to friends, when we send out intra-family address list updates?

Hard feelings were created when the new name was sprung on the family and was not immediately acclaimed to be the best idea since shoelaces. We are trying to smooth over the rough spot in the relationship, but are unsure how to proceed.

Gentle Reader: How much are you willing to annoy your son and daughter-in-law? Miss Manners assures you that refusing to use the name you know they have chosen will do a good job of that.

The invented surname is one of several solutions people have sought to the problem of representing both families when a new one is created. None of them has solved the problem, but we no longer have a standardized system of nomenclature.

It therefore behooves people to respect the individual choices that are made when these are known. Miss Manners also expects the choosers to be tolerant when honest mistakes are made by those not in a position to know, but that excuse is of no use to you. You can either use the names they announced or you can take the consequences of becoming a constant irritant to them.

Dear Alias,
Are you an officer of the law? Do you think your son is on the lam? Then what the fuck do you care if he uses one last name with friends and family and his legal last name for, oh I don’t know legal things?

Listen, changing your name is a big pain in the ass – every bank account, credit card, every piece of ID you own needs to be changed. So either your son is a moron, or he’s a lazy SOB. Either way, you need look no further than what values you raised this boy with to see why he turned out the way he did. I’m just saying.

Literary Meme

Thoughtfully tagged by Chris, my own contribution to the reading meme:

One book that changed your life:
Wow. So many books have. I would have to go with Taming of the Shrew - I read it for the first time in grade school (not in school but out of my father's collection) and that got me hooked on the Bard. By Jr. High I had already amassed quite a bawdy vocabulary that only my English teachers understood. Sure, it made me a geek in high school to have the professional actor's editions of all the plays we read when everyone else was in the Penguin's classic editions - but mine had real analysis of the characters, staging, etc. This is what got me to really understand subtext and double-entendres.

One book you've read more than once:
The Once and Future King by T.H. White. Now granted, as someone who used to teach high school and college English, there are a lot of books I've read more than once out of necessity. This is one that I relished. If you ever saw Disney's Sword in the Stone, it's taken right from the book (only sanitized for the Disney experience). The book is funny and thoughtful at the same time. So much so that my two Freshman English classes actually understood the content and enjoyed themselves.

One book you would want on a desert island:
The Sherlock Holmes collection. The entire collection, while a bit heavy to carry around, is an amazing read. I read the collection cover-to-cover when I was 13 and was homebound with mono for three weeks. I was already a prolific reader - but this turned me on to mysteries, and I have never looked back.

One book that made you laugh:
Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Totally not my genre - but I couldn't stop laughing - a tale of mix-ups and the apocalypse. Neither author has interested me since - like I said, not my genre (fantasy) - but this is worth a read for anyone that likes to read.

One book that made you cry:
Bridge to Terabithia - I read this in 6th grade and it broke my heart. Then, when I was in grad school I met a grade school teacher who was in the middle of teaching it. I started gushing about the book, how much it meant to me, and how when I came across a place in the woods behind my apartment that felt familiar I realized that it reminded me of how I pictured the location in the book. He brought me a copy. I hugged it. I put it on a shelf and I haven't touched it since. I am too afraid to read it - either it won't live up to my memories or it will and then it will break my heart all over again.

One book you wish you had written:
Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco. Easily ten times better than the Da Vinci Code and it came years ahead. Fascinating, totally sucked me in, and started my fascination with Templars and with conspiracy theories. It's bloody brilliant.

One book you wish had never been written:
The Bible and all religious texts spawned from it. I'm all for freedom of religion, but people who take the Bible literally seriously annoy me and freak me out. Also, because of its status, zealots refuse to acknowledge that it isn't always applicable to life today. Tell me a good morality tale - make it timeless - leave out the misogyny and racism in various versions and I'm good. Bring on the wrath (*ducks*)

One book you are currently reading:
The Best American Crime Writing 2005 true news stories assembled based on the compelling nature of the writing and/or story. Really fascinating to look back at the things that made news now that there is some distance beyond them.

One book you have been meaning to read:
I'll say one series - the Chronicles of Narnia. I read the first years ago, but the set remains untouched.

Tag five people:
Oy - don't hate me - I'll go with Cookie, Allison, EnvyLuv, Max, and Jake.

Anti-Stupidity Pill

So this made news yesterday:

Scientist Tests 'Anti-Stupidity' Pill
Reuters

BERLIN (Aug. 7) - A German scientist has been testing an "anti-stupidity" pill with encouraging results on mice and fruit flies, Bild newspaper reported Saturday.
It said Hans-Hilger Ropers, director at Max-Planck-Institute for Molecular Genetics in Berlin, has tested a pill thwarting hyperactivity in certain brain nerve cells, helping stabilize short-term memory and improve attentiveness.
"With mice and fruit flies we were able to eliminate the loss of short-term memory," Ropers, 62, is quoted saying in the German newspaper, which has dubbed it the "world's first anti-stupidity pill."

And it got me to thinking about the drugs we wish the pharmaceutical companies would make. Certainly they would make millions off of the following pills:

1. Anti-nagging: Someone nagging you to take the garbage out? Mow the lawn? Earn more money? Just slip this pill into a glass of water and voila, no more nagging for 24 hours. Now you can go play poker with the guys.
2. Career-enhancer: Think you'll be hit in the next layoffs? Boss on your case? Take the career-enhancer and you'll be up to your eyeballs in amazing ideas. You'll impress everyone in your office or in any office you enter. Great to take before a job interview.
3. Sober-up/Hangover-be-gone: This little friend will allow you to party all night and still safely get behind the wheel or make it into work the next day.
4. Puppy-potty: Having trouble house-training your new puppy? Give him this tasty beef-flavored treat and it will stimulate the part of his brain that associates outside with potty.
5. Dieter's-friend: This amazing pill allows you to cheat on your diet and erase the calories. Your body will never know you took in the fat and calories, but you'll have the memories.
6. Walk-on-the-Wild-Side: Need to let your inner child/slut/felon out to play? Just take this pill prior to any wild activity and your appearance will morph to match the wild direction you want to take. No one will recognize you when the pill wears off, so you can't be held accountable for your actions.
7. Love potion: Feeling lonely? Want a little companionship? Just take our amazing Love Potion pill and the people you find attractive will find you attractive. Just remember to take the pill that applies to your situation Man seeking Woman, Woman seeking Woman, Woman seeking Man, Man seeking Man, or Man seeking Sheep (not available in all areas). *Not to be used in conjunction with Walk-on-the-Wild-Side
8. Orator: Giving a big presentation, speech, or participating in a debate? Take the Orator 1 hour prior to the activity and you will give a speech that rivals the Gettysburg Address.
9. Lottery-Lucky: A rare find - but very worthwhile. Pop a Lottery-Lucky any time you are buying lottery tickets or heading to the casino and you are sure to be a winner.
10. Anti-Apocalypse: Think Armageddon is at hand? Pretty sure you're not invited to join the Rapture? Screw those who are by ingesting the Anti-Apocalypse pill and all those saints and sinners stay stuck on earth, with the rest of us.

Ask Sarcastica: Head to Head

This week I'm going to go head-to-head with Dear Abby (By Jeanne Phillips) - below are the Q&A from her various columns this week in AZ Starnet (azstarnet.com), followed by my answer.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if I'm going crazy. My husband of 30 years recently admitted that he enjoys wearing my undergarments! At first I was shocked, but now I am over it. We went shopping together and bought him several pairs of panties. He was in seventh heaven.

Our sex life has never been better, and we really are enjoying each other — but still I wonder.
— Mixed-Up in Florida

DEAR MIXED-UP: You are not the first wife who has helped her husband cross-dress. He is a transvestite — someone who enjoys wearing clothing that is traditionally worn by the opposite sex. Because your sex life has "never been better" and you are "really enjoying each other," my advice is to stop "wondering" and appreciate that after 30 years of marriage, your husband finally trusted you enough to show you who he really is.

Dear Panties,
I don't see the connection between his cross-dressing, your indulgence, and your sanity. I mean, everybody likes to play dress up. Ever hear of Halloween?

I'd rather hear that you think this is fun than say, take the Puritanical approach and burn him at the stake. But if you think being a supportive, indulgent wife who is enjoying her sex life is crazy, well then I don't want to be sane.

DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old grandson, "Andy," was "Daddy's boy" before his father and my daughter divorced. Now "Andrew" (the father) refuses to see Andy or even call him by name. I asked Andy if he misses his daddy a lot, and he nodded yes. It's overwhelmingly sad.

Distance isn't the problem. It's that Andrew has remarried and has a new son. Andy was named after his father; his new brother was given the same name!

I hope Andrew will change his mind. He wants no contact with Andy or our side of the family, but I hope the rest of the family will stay in touch with the boy. My grandson needs all of his relatives even more now that his father chooses to be out of his life.

Abby, please print this so Andrew's family members will know they are wanted and needed.
— Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: Your former son-in-law's actions illustrate how shallow his commitment was to his firstborn child. In case your former in-laws miss seeing this letter, call them and tell them exactly what you've told me.

If the paternal grandparents choose not to continue their relationship with Andy, you and your daughter should seriously consider enlisting a male relative from your side of the family to spend some time with the boy.

If that's not possible, consider Big Brothers. To contact a chapter near you, write: Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, 230 N. 13th St., Philadelphia, PA 19107; or go to www.BBBS.org online.

Dear Thank Goodness for Good Riddance,
Andy's dad sucks big time. Here's the thing - let's hope it's not genetic.

I suggest doing all the great environmental/nurture stuff that Abby recommended. It's sound advice, but I think there is more to be done. You have to ensure that Andy knows it's not his fault.

Oh, and I would send your Dear Abby letter to the father's new wife - with a little note "hope he doesn't shaft your Andy the way he shafted mine".

Why yes, I am a vindictive bitch, why do you ask?

DEAR ABBY: Last week I hit my husband. My daughter saw me do it. My parents were violent when they were drunk, and I swore I would never do that, but it happened.

Abby, can my children forget my mistakes, or are they doomed to keep repeating this violence from generation to generation?

— Sorry Mom in Canada

DEAR SORRY MOM: Your children are not "doomed." They can learn better ways to manage their anger, and so can you. Tell your daughter you were wrong to hit her father, and you regret it. Explain that you are going to see a counselor and learn more appropriate ways to deal with your anger, and that you'll share what you learn with her and your other children.

Make an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible, and locate the nearest chapter of Adult Children of Alcoholics. (They are in your phone book.) ACA is a 12-step group of people who grew up much as you did. They can help you understand your behavior and assist you in overcoming your learned reaction to problems.

If there's no listing in your telephone directory, write: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Services Organization, P.O. Box 3216, Torrance, CA 90510 for the location of the nearest chapter. You may also go to www.adultchildren.org online.

My compliments to you for acknowledging your problem and seeking assistance.

Dear Slap-happy,
You are so seriously lucky that he didn't hit you back. And don't go blaming this on your parents, you are an adult now and you are responsible for your actions. Yes, you.

What to do? Here's your checklist:

• Get THERAPY
• OWN YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR
• STOP BLAMING YOUR PARENTS
• And you might possibly need some kind of meds if you are really that violent.

Oh also, your kid needs therapy now. Nice going.


DEAR ABBY: Honesty pays. I received a call today from a gentleman who had picked up a large cardboard box that I had left at the recycling center.

When he removed the Styrofoam "peanuts" to pack his merchandise, he discovered a large summer sausage. Instead of enjoying the sausage himself, he took the trouble to look at our address on the packing label and find our telephone number.

How fortunate for him that he was so ethical! The sausage had been a Christmas gift from 2004, which we had overlooked when we unpacked the box. It sat in a storage area, unrefrigerated, for a year. Had he munched on that morsel, he would surely have gotten his "just desserts."

Instead, he received a nice chocolate fudge cake from us.

— Recycler in New Mexico

DEAR RECYCLER: Thank you for relating a morality tale we should all digest.

Dear Poisoner,
So the moral of the story is that if you find something that has clearly been discarded you should track down the harpies who dropped it off in case they are trying to kill strangers via tainted food?

It seems to me the person who should be learning an ethics lesson is you. Not everyone has the time to track down people who recycle their boxes. Sure, he got lucky, but so did you. He could have sued your ass or claimed you were like that whack-job who tampered with Tylenol years ago.

No madam, you are the one with the problem - you recycled your boxes without checking them first. What valuable items or, god forbid, other lethal things are floating around poor unsuspecting people trying to use recycled boxes? You should be ashamed of yourself - not only for endangering others, but also for your presumption that other people should be considerate when you are clearly indifferent at best. For shame, madam, for shame!

Next week - I take on Miss Manners

Customer service doesn’t end at the sale

Why is it that salespeople will promise you the moon and the stars, but after you sign the papers no one will take your calls?

I mean, sure I get the whole, nyah, nyah, we’ve got your money thing – but there’s the whole opportunity for repeat business or referrals – do people forget about that?

Don’t promise things you can’t deliver – it just means that I will definitely be disappointed and share that disappointment.

Take, for example, a recent experience that I had, and one that Scott had.

Sara’s Pain: Scotts Lawn Service

So we have this beautiful front yard – it’s not a big yard, but it has all this foliage that I haven’t a clue how to care for. My grandmother is an amazing gardener. I, however, kill plants just by admiring them.

Knowing my inability to deal with one unknown plant, let alone a yard full of various unknown flora, I hit the internet to find a service.

Scotts Lawn Service came out, gave me an estimate, I liked it, so I called back and set it up.

“Someone will be out in the next 5 days to start the service”

Here’s what I asked for: take care of the front lawn. We’ve got lots of plants (ground cover) out there, and now due to my procrastination we have lots of weeds – I’d like the weeds removed immediately.

Here’s what happened:
Last Saturday some yahoo pulls up in the official Scotts van, never knocks and after 10 minutes drives off.

What I didn’t know is that he walked into the back yard, determined that the lawn needed to be mowed (which it did, but irrelevant) and left.

That’s right – he left.

He never rang the bell – never called the house – never made contact with us. Of course, if he had, I could have clarified for him that I only wanted him to work on the front yard.

So I called Scotts on Tuesday to gripe about the delay in service. That’s when I was informed about the backyard. That’s when I re-explained the service required. I made her say it back to me. Front yard. Remove the weeds.

She said he was coming that day, so imagine my shock when I pulled up to see all of the weeds still there, but an invoice attached to the door stating that he was there, had done the work, and I needed to pay.

Since I felt like the local office was full of incompetent freaks I called the national customer service number. This is where it was explained to me that contrary to what I "believed", Scotts did chemicals only.

“Well, I believed they would remove the weeds because when I said I wanted the weeds gone today they said someone would be out to take care of it”

“Yes, he came out and treated the lawn, the weeds will be dead within 14 days”

“Okay, so my current out-of-control, white-trash-looking weed-infested yard, that I explained needed immediate fixing will continue to look trashy for 2 more weeks. And no one felt they should ensure that they were clear in saying that ‘we’ll take care of the weeds’ simply meant ‘we’ll spray them today and you can watch them die a slow death for 2 weeks’?”

“That’s right. 2 weeks. We only do chemicals. The next time we do the treatment it won’t take as long because the weeds will already be dead, so this one will be preventative.”

“Oh, you believe that there will be a next time. There won’t. I’m canceling this service – because it isn’t what I wanted, and your people are unclear and misleading.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

That’s it. You guys will get my $39.95 for this one treatment and then not a penny more. The funny thing is that the original estimate was so prompt and reasonable that I already recommended them to someone – who I immediately contacted and said, “it’s chemicals only – just in case you actually wanted someone to, you know, do some physical gardening.”

Scott’s Pain: Our new frivolous purchase

Scott likes a shiny new toy as much as the next person, sometimes more. Sometimes, we’re both a little over-indulgent in our shiny new things, and this is one of them – but we knew it was an indulgence, and we admitted to ourselves that this wasn’t a must have – it was pure, unadulterated want.

It’s a 56 inch DLP HD tv.

I won’t even pretend that we were being conservative by not getting the 73 inch or even the 60 inch models. This was pure indulgence.

At the time of purchase Scott was promised that they could deliver between 8 – 10 AM – thereby allowing Scott to get to work at a reasonable time. Only the day before they called to say it would be 11-3. Now I don’t know about your job, but I can’t start my day at 3:30. Nor can I end it at 10:30. Which means you lose the whole day. Or, Scott calls and reschedules.

The only problem is they are a 9-5 company. So Scott leaves a message and calls back in the morning and asks for a supervisor and explains the problem. He’s told that while the message will be passed on, there is nothing the supe can do to guarantee delivery times.

But there is.

This is no small purchase – so there’s no reason to blow us off. Because in that moment, if not before that, Scott decided that he would be accommodated, or we would be refunded our money and we would take our business elsewhere.

Then, the driver showed up at the house at 11 – while we were both at work. Not his fault – no one relayed the message to him that no one would be there.

The next day the supervisor called Scott. Unlike her staff, she understood immediately that this was a deal-breaker. Turns out the warehouse is in Baltimore, MD, so there’s no way they are making it to us by 8-10 AM. So they are set up to do 3-5 PM today.

We’ll just have to wait and see if they come through. Hopefully by the time I get home tonight we’ll have a sweet TV with all the TiVo, DVD, X-box and other accessories fully set up. Of course, we have nowhere to sit yet, since the furniture isn’t getting delivered until the 12th. Strangely, that won’t stop us.

The moral of the story is that if you are shifty in getting the sale, you risk not only this customer but every customer this person talks to. Conversely, if you create a good experience you’ll get referrals.

Let me put it this way:

I highly recommend against Scotts Lawn service – not for the service, but for the customer service, or lack thereof.

I will highly recommend the TV store (to be named after delivery) if all goes well this afternoon. If not, guess what I’ll do instead?

Now you’re getting it.

UPDATE: I highly recommend Tweeter in Manassas, VA!