Ask Sarcastica

Dear Sarcastica,
I’m a socially awkward boy without any real friends. Recently, an older man befriended me and told me he wants to show me “magical things – the likes of which [I’ve] never seen before” and that I should come over to his house. It sounds intriguing, but I’m wondering if it is really kosher.
Signed,
Art

Dear Once and Future Victim,
A strange, older man shows up and wants you to come over to his house? Kosher? Not so much. If this old perv is a legitimate magician, he can perform for you in public, with lots of witnesses.

Dear Sarcastica,
My stepmother is a real witch! She makes me clean all day long and she treats me like a slave. My ugly stepsisters get to relax by the pool all day while I’m doing laundry and cleaning out fireplaces. Help!
Signed,
Good Girl

Dear Complainer,
First of all, if your stepmother was a real witch she would just say, bibbity, bobbity, boo! and the whole house would be clean – so she may be a word that rhymes with witch, but she has no real power. And since she has no real power, you can either stick it out till you are 18 and then leave, or call child protective services on her ass and watch her get thrown in jail. Your choice.

Dear Sarcastica,
I live with a great bunch of guys (7 actually) – but they are just friends, and they all really want more. I’ve told them time and time again that I am waiting for my Prince Charming, but they still hit on me. The problem is I love living with these guys – I pay no rent and I do no chores (we have outside help that takes care of everything). What can I do?
Signed,
Ms. White

P.S. I tried telling them I was a lesbian but none of them bought it.

Dear Pure as the Driven Snow,
Sounds like you’ve got a pretty cushy arrangement there. My suggestion is that you bring a beautiful woman over one night when they’ll all be home and make out with her on the couch. That’ll convince them you like chicks, and maybe convince you that you’re really looking for your Princess Charming.

Dear Sarcastica,
I’m a guy from the wrong side of the tracks and I’ve fallen head-over-heels for this beautiful lady. How can I woo her?
Signed,
Just a Tramp

Dear Little Tramp,
Well, you’re just going to have to be bold and ask her out. Make sure you take her someplace fancy where you can show her that you fit in her life. I’d find a nice, out of the way, Italian restaurant and share a nice dinner. Just remember your table manners!