Ask Sarcastica: Head to Head

This week I'm going to go head-to-head with Miss Manners (By Judith Martin) - below are the Q&A from her various columns (go Google it if you want to find them), followed by my answer.

Dear Miss Manners: My best friend got married about a year ago, and I consider her and her husband both to be very good friends. My problem is that she calls me to vent every time she has a problem with her husband.

I understand the need for people to vent, but all of it is stuff that her husband would be humiliated or angry to know she was telling me. She repeats their fights word for word, tells me all about her husband's depression, private stuff about her husband's family (which she dislikes greatly), gossip about her husband's friends and co-workers, etc. She always says, "He would kill me if he knew I told you this, but . . . ."

I want to be there for her, but some things I am plain not interested in hearing. I was raised that private family stuff should be kept private. She wants more than just an ear -- she wants me to help her analyze what they really meant.

I don't know how to ask her, without hurting her feelings, to either tone down the level of info she gives me or maybe talk to someone else. I've tried, but if we're on the phone she'll talk over me and then end the call; if we're face-to-face, she'll get incredibly offended and try to pick a fight.

The truth is that she gets a thrill out of sharing confidential information, and has been this way for as long as I've known her. I can't just ignore her, because I baby-sit for her child. Any thoughts?

Gentle Reader: If Miss Manners were you, she would be thinking about getting a new best friend, even if it entailed finding a new baby-sitting job. Because your friend has always been like that, you might think about what she must be telling others about you.

It is not Miss Manners' job to break up friendships, however, and you have not proposed to do so. Merely to discourage these confidences, she would advise "being there" -- not for your friend, but for those who are, in fact, not there.

A few rounds of "Your poor husband is depressed -- you should go easy on him" and "Your mother-in-law has a point" and "They sound like people I would like" should dramatically dampen her desire for these discussions.

Dear Wussy,
Methinks thou doth protest too much. That's an awfully long letter just to ask what to do when someone shares inappropriate information with you. It seems like you are trying to out her, so to speak.

If someone says something you don't want to hear, either: a) change the subject, or b) stone up and say, "I feel uncomfortable with this information".

This passive-aggressive letter is bullshit – you're just hoping she reads it, recognizes herself and is ashamed.

Stone up or suck it up.

Dear Miss Manners: Does one give a gift for a grandchild for a piano recital? If so, what? I have two grandchildren, one 10 (girl) the other 8 (boy), and they are both having a piano recital on the same day, but I have no idea what is correct to do or rather what is expected.

Gentle Reader: You are expected to endure the entire recital -- not only the pieces played by your relatives, but everybody else's contributions as well -- with an expression of bliss on your face and hands that beat together at every opportunity. Afterward, you are expected to distribute compliments with abandon: to your grandchildren, to the other children, to their parents and to the teacher.

Musicians like to unwind after a performance, and so you might also consider taking them out afterward for a treat. That is optional, but replying to their post-performance questions by assuring them that any mistakes they mention went unnoticed is not. Miss Manners would consider all that generous enough. You do not want them expecting every occasion to be an opportunity to collect.

Dear Grandma,
The grandkids want your attendance and love. Gifts are nice, but not required. I think it is super sweet that you want to get them something – and I think it would be cool to go to a little trophy shop and make them plaques commemorating the event. But that's just me.

Yes, you need to go and listen and be gracious, but you were going to do that anyway.
(What, you want me to be pissy with a nice grandma? Go fuck yourself!)

Dear Miss Manners:
My wife is in her eighth month and quite self-conscious about her appearance. It doesn't help when certain people make comments about her. In particular, one lady at church, who seems well meaning enough, remarked at how big she was last time and puffed up her cheeks to demonstrate.

My father-in-law also doesn't help when he talks about people who are round (meaning fat in his eyes).

I know it's all part of pregnancy and that she will be back to normal in due time. How can she politely communicate to these folks that they are hurting her feelings and persuade them not to say things like that in the future?

Gentle Reader: As you acknowledge, your wife will, in the natural course of events, get past this. But Miss Manners wishes she would get past it now.

There will always be people who make foolish remarks, and pregnancy seems to be a source of inspiration to them. If your wife wants to rattle them out of their thoughtlessness, she can reply to observations about her size by saying innocently, "But I'm pregnant!"

Miss Manners does not guarantee that this will put an end to it. But you and your wife will soon have a more promising opportunity to teach thoughtfulness. It's called child-rearing.

Dear Worthless Husband,
Your wife is 8 months pregnant. I don't care if she's doubled her body weight – no one gets to criticize someone who is a carrying a human life. Jesus Christ on a crutch – your wife is going through something horrific – her body basically abusing her from the inside out for the best possible end result. RUN SOME FUCKING INTERFERENCE FOR GOD'S SAKE!

No one gets to criticize pregnant women unless they are knowingly risking the fetus (druggies, alcoholics, abusive asses). And if you don't have the sack to keep people from being rude to your wife, regardless of pregnancy, you are an ass.

Dear Miss Manners:
For the last several years, I have become aware of an "affliction" that saddens me during the normal day-to-day interactions among colleagues, friends and neighbors. (This list can be extended.)

How can one deal (correct word?) with nice people, saying "all the right things," without meaning any of it? It's just been driving me crazy as it seems to be occurring more and more.

Gentle Reader: This is not an affliction, Miss Manners assures you. It is a blessing.

For the last several decades, people have been saying all the wrong things that they really mean, from "I can't use this" instead of "Thank you" for a present; "Only a moron would think that" instead of "I'm afraid we disagree" in a political discussion and "You've put on a lot of weight" instead of "How nice to see you" on seeing an acquaintance.

If they are learning to say the right thing, good for them. In time, they will learn to say it more convincingly.

Dear Barbarian,
Why do you think they call it pleasantries? It's the practice that your mother should have instructed you in – that whole, say something nice or shut the hell up school of thought. You know, when a friend makes you dinner that tastes like shit you don't actually say, "Hey, did you actually cook shit in the oven and cover it in gravy?" You feign fullness graciously, lest you lose a friend, and then remember to only go out to eat with her from now on.

So, my column is obviously the exception to that rule, but I assure you that Ms. Sarcastica is always polite in public, regardless of her evil, evil thoughts.

Dear Miss Manners:
Our son and his then-fiancee announced via Web site post that they have decided to change their last name to a new name when they married. This caught many family members by surprise (as well as many wedding guests who had not necessarily read their Web site and then were confused when the new couple were announced as Mr. & Mrs. New Name).

It has been about a year since then, and although they use the new name in correspondence, e-mail and Web sites, they apparently have taken no steps to change their names legally, so at this point, I suppose, the new name has the status of an alias. Drivers' licenses, Social Security cards, checking accounts, etc., are all still in their legal names.

To what extent is the family obligated to use the new name? When we send them e-mail, cards and letters, on checks as gifts, when we introduce them to friends, when we send out intra-family address list updates?

Hard feelings were created when the new name was sprung on the family and was not immediately acclaimed to be the best idea since shoelaces. We are trying to smooth over the rough spot in the relationship, but are unsure how to proceed.

Gentle Reader: How much are you willing to annoy your son and daughter-in-law? Miss Manners assures you that refusing to use the name you know they have chosen will do a good job of that.

The invented surname is one of several solutions people have sought to the problem of representing both families when a new one is created. None of them has solved the problem, but we no longer have a standardized system of nomenclature.

It therefore behooves people to respect the individual choices that are made when these are known. Miss Manners also expects the choosers to be tolerant when honest mistakes are made by those not in a position to know, but that excuse is of no use to you. You can either use the names they announced or you can take the consequences of becoming a constant irritant to them.

Dear Alias,
Are you an officer of the law? Do you think your son is on the lam? Then what the fuck do you care if he uses one last name with friends and family and his legal last name for, oh I don’t know legal things?

Listen, changing your name is a big pain in the ass – every bank account, credit card, every piece of ID you own needs to be changed. So either your son is a moron, or he’s a lazy SOB. Either way, you need look no further than what values you raised this boy with to see why he turned out the way he did. I’m just saying.