Ask Sarcastica: Head to Head

This week I'm going to go head-to-head with Dear Abby (By Jeanne Phillips) - below are the Q&A from her various columns this week in AZ Starnet (azstarnet.com), followed by my answer.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if I'm going crazy. My husband of 30 years recently admitted that he enjoys wearing my undergarments! At first I was shocked, but now I am over it. We went shopping together and bought him several pairs of panties. He was in seventh heaven.

Our sex life has never been better, and we really are enjoying each other — but still I wonder.
— Mixed-Up in Florida

DEAR MIXED-UP: You are not the first wife who has helped her husband cross-dress. He is a transvestite — someone who enjoys wearing clothing that is traditionally worn by the opposite sex. Because your sex life has "never been better" and you are "really enjoying each other," my advice is to stop "wondering" and appreciate that after 30 years of marriage, your husband finally trusted you enough to show you who he really is.

Dear Panties,
I don't see the connection between his cross-dressing, your indulgence, and your sanity. I mean, everybody likes to play dress up. Ever hear of Halloween?

I'd rather hear that you think this is fun than say, take the Puritanical approach and burn him at the stake. But if you think being a supportive, indulgent wife who is enjoying her sex life is crazy, well then I don't want to be sane.

DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old grandson, "Andy," was "Daddy's boy" before his father and my daughter divorced. Now "Andrew" (the father) refuses to see Andy or even call him by name. I asked Andy if he misses his daddy a lot, and he nodded yes. It's overwhelmingly sad.

Distance isn't the problem. It's that Andrew has remarried and has a new son. Andy was named after his father; his new brother was given the same name!

I hope Andrew will change his mind. He wants no contact with Andy or our side of the family, but I hope the rest of the family will stay in touch with the boy. My grandson needs all of his relatives even more now that his father chooses to be out of his life.

Abby, please print this so Andrew's family members will know they are wanted and needed.
— Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: Your former son-in-law's actions illustrate how shallow his commitment was to his firstborn child. In case your former in-laws miss seeing this letter, call them and tell them exactly what you've told me.

If the paternal grandparents choose not to continue their relationship with Andy, you and your daughter should seriously consider enlisting a male relative from your side of the family to spend some time with the boy.

If that's not possible, consider Big Brothers. To contact a chapter near you, write: Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, 230 N. 13th St., Philadelphia, PA 19107; or go to www.BBBS.org online.

Dear Thank Goodness for Good Riddance,
Andy's dad sucks big time. Here's the thing - let's hope it's not genetic.

I suggest doing all the great environmental/nurture stuff that Abby recommended. It's sound advice, but I think there is more to be done. You have to ensure that Andy knows it's not his fault.

Oh, and I would send your Dear Abby letter to the father's new wife - with a little note "hope he doesn't shaft your Andy the way he shafted mine".

Why yes, I am a vindictive bitch, why do you ask?

DEAR ABBY: Last week I hit my husband. My daughter saw me do it. My parents were violent when they were drunk, and I swore I would never do that, but it happened.

Abby, can my children forget my mistakes, or are they doomed to keep repeating this violence from generation to generation?

— Sorry Mom in Canada

DEAR SORRY MOM: Your children are not "doomed." They can learn better ways to manage their anger, and so can you. Tell your daughter you were wrong to hit her father, and you regret it. Explain that you are going to see a counselor and learn more appropriate ways to deal with your anger, and that you'll share what you learn with her and your other children.

Make an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible, and locate the nearest chapter of Adult Children of Alcoholics. (They are in your phone book.) ACA is a 12-step group of people who grew up much as you did. They can help you understand your behavior and assist you in overcoming your learned reaction to problems.

If there's no listing in your telephone directory, write: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Services Organization, P.O. Box 3216, Torrance, CA 90510 for the location of the nearest chapter. You may also go to www.adultchildren.org online.

My compliments to you for acknowledging your problem and seeking assistance.

Dear Slap-happy,
You are so seriously lucky that he didn't hit you back. And don't go blaming this on your parents, you are an adult now and you are responsible for your actions. Yes, you.

What to do? Here's your checklist:

• Get THERAPY
• OWN YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR
• STOP BLAMING YOUR PARENTS
• And you might possibly need some kind of meds if you are really that violent.

Oh also, your kid needs therapy now. Nice going.


DEAR ABBY: Honesty pays. I received a call today from a gentleman who had picked up a large cardboard box that I had left at the recycling center.

When he removed the Styrofoam "peanuts" to pack his merchandise, he discovered a large summer sausage. Instead of enjoying the sausage himself, he took the trouble to look at our address on the packing label and find our telephone number.

How fortunate for him that he was so ethical! The sausage had been a Christmas gift from 2004, which we had overlooked when we unpacked the box. It sat in a storage area, unrefrigerated, for a year. Had he munched on that morsel, he would surely have gotten his "just desserts."

Instead, he received a nice chocolate fudge cake from us.

— Recycler in New Mexico

DEAR RECYCLER: Thank you for relating a morality tale we should all digest.

Dear Poisoner,
So the moral of the story is that if you find something that has clearly been discarded you should track down the harpies who dropped it off in case they are trying to kill strangers via tainted food?

It seems to me the person who should be learning an ethics lesson is you. Not everyone has the time to track down people who recycle their boxes. Sure, he got lucky, but so did you. He could have sued your ass or claimed you were like that whack-job who tampered with Tylenol years ago.

No madam, you are the one with the problem - you recycled your boxes without checking them first. What valuable items or, god forbid, other lethal things are floating around poor unsuspecting people trying to use recycled boxes? You should be ashamed of yourself - not only for endangering others, but also for your presumption that other people should be considerate when you are clearly indifferent at best. For shame, madam, for shame!

Next week - I take on Miss Manners