Ask Sarcastica: Travel Edition

I've just spent a week on a business trip and I was shocked at how many questions I faced throughout the airport, so I've compiled them for this week's column.

Q: Why can we only bring 3 ounces of lotions, gels, and other personal liquids in our carry-on items?

A: Honey, there is no bathtub on the plane, you don't need more than 3 ounces of anything except scotch, and you have to buy that on board.

Q: Is the 3 ounces thing really strict?

A: Apparently so. Strangely, these containers have their content ounces WRITTEN ON THE FRONT so the security personnel really can't overlook it. I mean, if your can of Aqua Net is 24 ounces, the can itself is going to rat you out. Yes you, sister with the 24 ounces of Aqua Net, the 12 ounces of mousse, and the economy sized lotion that all got confiscated. If you carry on your suitcase, it's still a carry-on item.

Q: First there's no bottled water allowed, now we can buy water past security. What is this, some kind of conspiracy to make us buy overpriced items in the airport?

A: Yes, and if you're really gullible, you'll also wind up with the latest gossip rag.

Q: I have such a hard time deciding whether or not to take my suitcase on the plane or check it. What should I do?

A: If your suitcase is on wheels it automatically comes with a magical sizing device that allows it to fit perfectly into the overhead compartment of any airplane, regardless of how big it was when you packed it. Similarly, it will glide perfectly through any narrow aisle, never bumping into passengers, crew, or anyone else's belongings. I say, go for it, no one will ever be annoyed - they'll think you are smart as a whip and will likely rush to help you put your bag into one of those overhead compartments, not that you need the help. Of course, you will then be subject to the tyrannical 3 ounce rule that a poor woman at SFO will likely have nightmares about for the rest of her life.

Q: What is appropriate entertainment while in flight?

A: Reading, writing, crossword puzzles, using your laptop, listening to music. Generally, these all involve not speaking. Speaking is strictly prohibited on airplanes, except by authorized personnel. Certainly, you can say please and thank you and answer direct questions, but you should never try to strike up a conversation. This is generally considered suspicious behavior, and if you do that and pee on the floor or play with your cell phone, you will be arrested.

Museum Review: Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum - Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center

So now that I am living just outside of Washington, D.C., I feel obligated, nay, privileged, to partake of the various offerings available to me.

Today we embarked on our first museum visit – the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum - Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center. There are 2 Air and Space Museums in the area, because they can’t fit everything into one place. This is the smaller one of the two.

It’s got lots of cool stuff, and you can do it in under a day.

Here’s a Pros and Cons list if you’ve got limited time and are considering this as one of your stops:

PROS:

• You can do the whole thing in half a day
• Admission is $12 per car. Nice if you’ve got a mini-van full of family and a tight budget.
• Some pretty cool displays (Concorde, Blackbird, and a SPACE SHUTTLE)
• The IMAX movie about going to Mars was pretty cool – just for the science – nothing really special in terms of IMAX

CONS:

• IMAX showings and Simulations are extra costs (and the IMAX video starts with 5 minutes of IMAX pimping)
• If you want to eat, your choices are McDonalds, and the McDonalds Café, which serves… McDonalds and Boston Market.
• The simulator was super cheesy and didn’t deliver the experience it advertised. Seriously guys – go to Vegas, go to the Star Trek Museum, check theirs out, and then hire their people.

I have to say the coolest part of the day hands down was when we went into the space area and were checking out the Enterprise shuttle. At first I couldn’t believe it was a real shuttle, because it seriously looks like a bunch of large lego blocks. The cool part, though, was that there were NASA guys there working on it. There was a sign that read:

WHAT WE’RE DOING TODAY:
Today we are reassembling part of the Enterprise shuttle that was used as part of the recreation to help determine the cause of the shuttle Columbia crash.

That’s when the whole thing seemed real. And suddenly, I wished every plane, engine, and computer part on display was actually doing something – either having someone operate it, paint it, tweak it, turn it, I don’t know, anything – with a sign that says, we’re doing something significant here – watch us do something important. Be inspired.

[Side rant: This is why I struggle with museums – they have lots of cool stuff but you can’t touch it, feel it, smell it, play with it. It has no life force. There’s no one standing next to it showing you how it was used throughout that time. I’m not talking about those super cheesy automatons in colonial garb churning butter – I’m talking about NASA guys reassembling the Enterprise shuttle because when things went bad for another shuttle, they used this one to help them learn. That is wicked cool. ]

To sum up: base cost and time spent make for a good half-day with the family. Skip the simulators.

It’s a lot of walking, which it good exercise, but may be hard on littler kids or older folks, but there are lots of seats built into the railings for each exhibit barrier, so it’s doable for all.

Next month I’m off to the most depressing museum with my mom - The Holocaust Museum.

Ask Sarcastica: The Sarcastica Interview You've All Been Waiting For!

Snarky Reporter: Sarcastica, what made you start writing an advice column?

Sarcastica: Well, you know, it really came from a desire to help people. I mean, look at the shit Dear Abby and Ann Landers tell people to do? Hell, I can do better than that - and maybe, just maybe, people will be smarter and get the hell out of my way faster.

Snarky Reporter: You are so right on. I mean, seriously, bin Laden needs to get off my planet and out of the 15 items or less line! Ha ha!

Sarcastica: Stop kissing my ass and ask me something.

Snarky Reporter: Right. So our readers really want to know: Are you really happily married? And if so, what is your secret?

Sarcastica: (laughing) Yes. It's not a secret. I met someone I am compatible with. We communicate well. We don't lie to each other. We're willing to be vulnerable and say the things we think would make us seem stupid to other people, because we know this is the one person who accepts that this is the crazy person we are married to. That's it. Talk about everything. Every hope, every fear, every frustration.

Snarky Reporter: Ok, fine, don't give me a straight answer.

Sarcastica: Whatever.

Snarky Reporter: Next question: Let's say you're at dinner with Shakespeare, Einstein, Galileo, Da Vinci, and Newton - what do you ask them?

Sarcastica: I'm assuming in your scenario these people aren't dead.

Snarky Reporter: Right, assume they are alive and you are having dinner with them, and you can talk to them about anything.

Sarcastica: Well, first of all, who got this motley crew together? I mean, first of all, there are no contemporaries, and I would certainly be interested to see Hawking dialog with his predecessors. The next problem is that, as the only woman at the table, these guys aren't listening to a word I am saying - they are all staring at my breasts, because I have an amazing rack. So this is a problem. So we need other women, attractive enough to keep focus off my chest, and intelligent enough to keep the conversation lively - and women who are smart enough to see other intelligent attractive women as interesting and not threatening. I've got some suggestions there - let's get Jane Austen, Katharine Hepburn, Florence Nightingale, and Marie Curie.

Snarky Reporter: That's, quite a list... still what will you talk about?

Sarcastica: Are you kidding? What won't we talk about? Intelligent people find fascinating things to talk about. I have no fear of a lack of conversation with that group. Quite the contrary - we may talk until we are all hoarse - about anything and everything - history, politics, math, science, literature, art, philosophy, the future - everything is fair game with a group like that.

Snarky Reporter: Ok, sounds like a bit much for me. So, let's say your doctor told you that you had 6 months to live if you made no changes to your diet, or you could give up chocolate and live for 7 months. What would you do?

Sarcastica: Seriously? 1 extra month? Just chocolate or all sweets?

Snarky Reporter: Um, all sweets, I guess.

Sarcastica: Fruit too, because fruit has natural sugar?

Snarky Reporter: Um, sure, fruit too.

Sarcastica: So what is it I can eat?

Snarky Reporter: (Sigh) Okay, you can eat only rice cakes - and you'll live an extra month.

Sarcastica: Is the month February?

Snarky Reporter: What??

Sarcastica: Well, which month is it? Because February is a short month, and, you know, I'd feel gypped.

Snarky Reporter: It isn't a specific month. It's a time frame - like 30 days.

Sarcastica: Ah. Okay. So the scenario is - live 180 days eating whatever you want or live 210 days eating only rice cakes?

Snarky Reporter: Yes.

Sarcastica: That is perhaps the stupidest scenario I have ever heard in my entire life.

Snarky Reporter: WILL YOU JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION?

Sarcastica: No.

Snarky Reporter: NO? You won't answer the question?

Sarcastica: No, the answer is no. Who the hell wants to eat nothing but rice cakes?

Snarky Reporter: I'm done here.

Sarcastica: Sweet, when can I pick up a copy of the interview? Hello? Hello?

Where Were You?

There are few life experiences that can rip you to shreds years later, just at the mere thought of them. Fewer still that involve things you were only a witness to.

My morning started out like any other, dawdling while getting ready for work. The phone rang. It is unusual for the phone to ring in my house in the morning.

It was Sally. She was hysterical.

We're under attack. DC is under attack. Hannah is in DC.

Slow down, Sally, tell me what is happening.

There was a plane crash...

Was Hannah on the plane?

No...but

Sally, take a deep breath, plane crashes are tragic but they happen.

Sara, it's all over the news.

Okay, Sally, I'm going to turn the news on and see what's happening. I'll see you at work in a bit.

I wandered out to the living room, sat down on our large cement coffee table in my shirt and panties and switched on the tv. Scott wandered out and wondered aloud what I was doing - we needed to get ready for work.

Sally is in hysterics about some plane crash. I promised to turn on the... OH MY GOD.

And there it was, tower 1 had already been hit by the time I had turned on the tv. Sitting in my living room in Tucson, dawdling before work, I stared in complete confusion at the tv - twisting my head like a dog who hears a disturbing noise. What the hell happened?

We started chattering. I said something about this happening in New York so why was Sally worried about DC and that was when I saw it. The second plane. The second tower.

It was easily the most surreal moment of my life - watching a tv camera - poised somehow almost evenly with the plane - watching it head towards the tower. Hearing my own voice choke out the words Oh my god, they have to pull up, they have to pull up they are going to crash, oh my god they are going to crash. OH MY GOD!

I was completely shocked. How could such a horrific accident occur? How could two planes be compromised in such a way that neither of them could escape crashing into buildings.

That was the moment I lost my innocence. That was the moment I realized that whatever snark I am capable of, I always believed that people would do the right thing - that people were not inherently or intentionally evil - and that these things just didn't happen because people just weren't that bad at the core.

Over the next 30 days I couldn't get enough news - every 9/11 story, human interest, lost family member, lost pet, lost hero, flag raising, search for survivors, search for terrorists, you name it - I absorbed it. It was the worst month of my life. I cried the whole month through. Every story ripped my heart apart, every crying survivor who lost anyone.

Recently two movies came out about 9/11. I didn't see either of them. I realized I'm not ready yet - it's still too raw, it's still too real.

I did watch the airing of On Native Soil - by mid-program I was wailing. I was furious at all the incompetence.

Today, I realized something, most weren't incompetent, they were unprepared - because the truth was so incomprehensible. I was unprepared for Sally's call - just as they were unprepared to scramble fighters to shoot down commercial aircraft. How could you be prepared for something like that?

I have no advice or moral of the story. I don't know what real justice would be for the people who fund, organize and commit these crimes, because I think whatever we come up with would be too kind, too naive. It is the first time in my life that I have ever actively hoped that Hell exists, just so there's a fitting place for those assholes.

Where were you on 9/11? Where are you today, 5 years later?

By the way, Hannah was, and is, just fine.

News Kills The Story

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/wireStory?id=2400167

Summary: WASHINGTON Sep 6, 2006 (AP)— Scientists say abnormal "intersex" fish, with both male and female characteristics, have been discovered in the Potomac River and its tributaries across the Capitol Region, raising questions about how contaminants are affecting millions of people who drink tap water there.

Sara: This story is laughable. I mean, humans are so different than fish (as they even said, fish live in the water and are therefore exposed to these toxins more) and it would take thousands of years for that kind of mutation attributable to that source to happen.

Scott: Yeah

Sara: So while the fish aspect is fascinating, the humans will mutate hook is stupid.

Scott: Yeah

Sara: I'm more interested in why the scientists think the pollution is causing this type of mutation... or is there another cause? I mean, are there more female than male fish because males are more susceptible to the toxins, and therefore the fish have become multi-gendered to continue the propagation of the species? A kind of toxic Darwinism?

Scott: Yeah I was kinda wondering if it was more of a natural evolution since asexual reproduction would be more efficient than sexual reproduction.

Sara: Totally. Or is it something about fish physiology, like their gender isn't as clearly divided as humans, for example, and therefore the toxins are blending the line genetically.

The thing is - I think the news spins a human angle on it to make it newsworthy but I think that takes the interest out of it - to me the real interest is what the hell is up with the fish?

When they do that, it makes a story laughable to me, and then I do what I am doing with you - thinking about the story they should have done.

I'm thinking I am in the minority on this.

Scott: I agree on both points.

I sent this story to the hubby today because I found it laughable. But the more we talked, the more I found that it's the news itself that is laughable, not the individual stories. There are fascinating stories out there, but to be sensational these stupid spins are put on good topics that make the stories ridiculous.

Several weeks ago I read 10 stories about various end of the world plots and prophecies. As you may have noticed, none of them has yet come to pass (they all should have by now). I've gotten to the point where I see these headlines and I say, "shut up". Seriously, I've got shit to do - so either tell me that something is happening, has happened, has been prevented from happening, or... shut up. It isn't news if you are speculating about something that someone thinks may happen at some point. Those are called psychic premonitions. Psychic premonitions have no scientific basis (no, they do not, so shut up) and since they have yet to pass ARE NOT NEWS!

I think the beagle may howl when I prepare to leave the house tomorrow. Regardless of my historical data for my hypothesis, the fact that this event has yet to happen means it cannot be reported as BREAKING NEWS.

Also, if your stories are on par with the beagle story above, it's called fluff, and it doesn't qualify as news either.

General rule:

• happened, happening = news
• not yet happened = prognostication (i.e. NOT NEWS)