Ask Sarcastica: Travel Edition

I've just spent a week on a business trip and I was shocked at how many questions I faced throughout the airport, so I've compiled them for this week's column.

Q: Why can we only bring 3 ounces of lotions, gels, and other personal liquids in our carry-on items?

A: Honey, there is no bathtub on the plane, you don't need more than 3 ounces of anything except scotch, and you have to buy that on board.

Q: Is the 3 ounces thing really strict?

A: Apparently so. Strangely, these containers have their content ounces WRITTEN ON THE FRONT so the security personnel really can't overlook it. I mean, if your can of Aqua Net is 24 ounces, the can itself is going to rat you out. Yes you, sister with the 24 ounces of Aqua Net, the 12 ounces of mousse, and the economy sized lotion that all got confiscated. If you carry on your suitcase, it's still a carry-on item.

Q: First there's no bottled water allowed, now we can buy water past security. What is this, some kind of conspiracy to make us buy overpriced items in the airport?

A: Yes, and if you're really gullible, you'll also wind up with the latest gossip rag.

Q: I have such a hard time deciding whether or not to take my suitcase on the plane or check it. What should I do?

A: If your suitcase is on wheels it automatically comes with a magical sizing device that allows it to fit perfectly into the overhead compartment of any airplane, regardless of how big it was when you packed it. Similarly, it will glide perfectly through any narrow aisle, never bumping into passengers, crew, or anyone else's belongings. I say, go for it, no one will ever be annoyed - they'll think you are smart as a whip and will likely rush to help you put your bag into one of those overhead compartments, not that you need the help. Of course, you will then be subject to the tyrannical 3 ounce rule that a poor woman at SFO will likely have nightmares about for the rest of her life.

Q: What is appropriate entertainment while in flight?

A: Reading, writing, crossword puzzles, using your laptop, listening to music. Generally, these all involve not speaking. Speaking is strictly prohibited on airplanes, except by authorized personnel. Certainly, you can say please and thank you and answer direct questions, but you should never try to strike up a conversation. This is generally considered suspicious behavior, and if you do that and pee on the floor or play with your cell phone, you will be arrested.