Ask Sarcastica: The Sarcastica Interview You've All Been Waiting For!

Snarky Reporter: Sarcastica, what made you start writing an advice column?

Sarcastica: Well, you know, it really came from a desire to help people. I mean, look at the shit Dear Abby and Ann Landers tell people to do? Hell, I can do better than that - and maybe, just maybe, people will be smarter and get the hell out of my way faster.

Snarky Reporter: You are so right on. I mean, seriously, bin Laden needs to get off my planet and out of the 15 items or less line! Ha ha!

Sarcastica: Stop kissing my ass and ask me something.

Snarky Reporter: Right. So our readers really want to know: Are you really happily married? And if so, what is your secret?

Sarcastica: (laughing) Yes. It's not a secret. I met someone I am compatible with. We communicate well. We don't lie to each other. We're willing to be vulnerable and say the things we think would make us seem stupid to other people, because we know this is the one person who accepts that this is the crazy person we are married to. That's it. Talk about everything. Every hope, every fear, every frustration.

Snarky Reporter: Ok, fine, don't give me a straight answer.

Sarcastica: Whatever.

Snarky Reporter: Next question: Let's say you're at dinner with Shakespeare, Einstein, Galileo, Da Vinci, and Newton - what do you ask them?

Sarcastica: I'm assuming in your scenario these people aren't dead.

Snarky Reporter: Right, assume they are alive and you are having dinner with them, and you can talk to them about anything.

Sarcastica: Well, first of all, who got this motley crew together? I mean, first of all, there are no contemporaries, and I would certainly be interested to see Hawking dialog with his predecessors. The next problem is that, as the only woman at the table, these guys aren't listening to a word I am saying - they are all staring at my breasts, because I have an amazing rack. So this is a problem. So we need other women, attractive enough to keep focus off my chest, and intelligent enough to keep the conversation lively - and women who are smart enough to see other intelligent attractive women as interesting and not threatening. I've got some suggestions there - let's get Jane Austen, Katharine Hepburn, Florence Nightingale, and Marie Curie.

Snarky Reporter: That's, quite a list... still what will you talk about?

Sarcastica: Are you kidding? What won't we talk about? Intelligent people find fascinating things to talk about. I have no fear of a lack of conversation with that group. Quite the contrary - we may talk until we are all hoarse - about anything and everything - history, politics, math, science, literature, art, philosophy, the future - everything is fair game with a group like that.

Snarky Reporter: Ok, sounds like a bit much for me. So, let's say your doctor told you that you had 6 months to live if you made no changes to your diet, or you could give up chocolate and live for 7 months. What would you do?

Sarcastica: Seriously? 1 extra month? Just chocolate or all sweets?

Snarky Reporter: Um, all sweets, I guess.

Sarcastica: Fruit too, because fruit has natural sugar?

Snarky Reporter: Um, sure, fruit too.

Sarcastica: So what is it I can eat?

Snarky Reporter: (Sigh) Okay, you can eat only rice cakes - and you'll live an extra month.

Sarcastica: Is the month February?

Snarky Reporter: What??

Sarcastica: Well, which month is it? Because February is a short month, and, you know, I'd feel gypped.

Snarky Reporter: It isn't a specific month. It's a time frame - like 30 days.

Sarcastica: Ah. Okay. So the scenario is - live 180 days eating whatever you want or live 210 days eating only rice cakes?

Snarky Reporter: Yes.

Sarcastica: That is perhaps the stupidest scenario I have ever heard in my entire life.

Snarky Reporter: WILL YOU JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION?

Sarcastica: No.

Snarky Reporter: NO? You won't answer the question?

Sarcastica: No, the answer is no. Who the hell wants to eat nothing but rice cakes?

Snarky Reporter: I'm done here.

Sarcastica: Sweet, when can I pick up a copy of the interview? Hello? Hello?