Where Were You?

There are few life experiences that can rip you to shreds years later, just at the mere thought of them. Fewer still that involve things you were only a witness to.

My morning started out like any other, dawdling while getting ready for work. The phone rang. It is unusual for the phone to ring in my house in the morning.

It was Sally. She was hysterical.

We're under attack. DC is under attack. Hannah is in DC.

Slow down, Sally, tell me what is happening.

There was a plane crash...

Was Hannah on the plane?

No...but

Sally, take a deep breath, plane crashes are tragic but they happen.

Sara, it's all over the news.

Okay, Sally, I'm going to turn the news on and see what's happening. I'll see you at work in a bit.

I wandered out to the living room, sat down on our large cement coffee table in my shirt and panties and switched on the tv. Scott wandered out and wondered aloud what I was doing - we needed to get ready for work.

Sally is in hysterics about some plane crash. I promised to turn on the... OH MY GOD.

And there it was, tower 1 had already been hit by the time I had turned on the tv. Sitting in my living room in Tucson, dawdling before work, I stared in complete confusion at the tv - twisting my head like a dog who hears a disturbing noise. What the hell happened?

We started chattering. I said something about this happening in New York so why was Sally worried about DC and that was when I saw it. The second plane. The second tower.

It was easily the most surreal moment of my life - watching a tv camera - poised somehow almost evenly with the plane - watching it head towards the tower. Hearing my own voice choke out the words Oh my god, they have to pull up, they have to pull up they are going to crash, oh my god they are going to crash. OH MY GOD!

I was completely shocked. How could such a horrific accident occur? How could two planes be compromised in such a way that neither of them could escape crashing into buildings.

That was the moment I lost my innocence. That was the moment I realized that whatever snark I am capable of, I always believed that people would do the right thing - that people were not inherently or intentionally evil - and that these things just didn't happen because people just weren't that bad at the core.

Over the next 30 days I couldn't get enough news - every 9/11 story, human interest, lost family member, lost pet, lost hero, flag raising, search for survivors, search for terrorists, you name it - I absorbed it. It was the worst month of my life. I cried the whole month through. Every story ripped my heart apart, every crying survivor who lost anyone.

Recently two movies came out about 9/11. I didn't see either of them. I realized I'm not ready yet - it's still too raw, it's still too real.

I did watch the airing of On Native Soil - by mid-program I was wailing. I was furious at all the incompetence.

Today, I realized something, most weren't incompetent, they were unprepared - because the truth was so incomprehensible. I was unprepared for Sally's call - just as they were unprepared to scramble fighters to shoot down commercial aircraft. How could you be prepared for something like that?

I have no advice or moral of the story. I don't know what real justice would be for the people who fund, organize and commit these crimes, because I think whatever we come up with would be too kind, too naive. It is the first time in my life that I have ever actively hoped that Hell exists, just so there's a fitting place for those assholes.

Where were you on 9/11? Where are you today, 5 years later?

By the way, Hannah was, and is, just fine.