Solicited Advice

Across the internet you can find a plethora of advice columnists, from Ann Landers to Dear Prudence, Sars at Tomato Nation, or even the tried and true Miss Manners, if you have a quandary, someone has an opinion on how you should deal with it.

I read practically every one I come across. I love to see what problems people are facing and how different people suggest dealing with it. Some are totally mainstream (I love him, but he left me, for my sister) or totally left-field (My cat likes my partner better than me, should I poision the cat?). Regardless, they run the gamut from comic to tragic, and that is why I find them so addictive.

I have a lot of respect for good advice columnists, I know that I have no patience for the people that write in and would likely tell them to shut up and deal.

To that end, I’ve come up with what I call the real message the advisor is trying to tell you:

1. The “He/she is great in every way, except…”
If the except is something along the lines of:

• He/she is mean to me
• He/she hits me
• He/she is rude to people I like/love
• He/she is trying to isolate me from my friends and family

Then you should leave. Leave. Just leave. Go away. Stop being involved with this person. This person is not great in every way – this person is a jerk and the deeper into this relationship you get the more this person will be a jerk to you. You deserve better. Leave him/her.

2. The “My friend is great to me in private but in public he/she does horrible things…”

See #1. This person is not your friend. For whatever reason, your insecure idiotic friend thinks it is cool to mistreat you in front of others. Whether it is for his/her amusement, or out of embarrassment, or whatever else. This person is a jerk. This person is not your friend. Stop spending time with this butthead.

3. The “I saw my friend’s spouse making out with/fooling around with someone that is not their spouse”

What would you want someone to do if they saw your spouse cheating on you? Would you like them to pretend they knew nothing? Not me. I’d want a photo. Use your camera phone (puh-leaze, you have one), snap an incriminating picture or two. Drive to your friend’s house. Sit your friend down. Tell your friend you are sorry. Bring up the picture and hand it over. Hug your friend while he/she sobs. I know a lot of people say, “don’t get involved” but seriously, are you going to be able to sit on this? If you could, do you think you should?

4. The “My friend has this problem…”

Own the fact that you have a problem. Everything following this statement sounds like grown-ups in a Peanut’s cartoon (because we are all sitting here thinking, "oh honey we know it's you"). You know you have an embarrassing issue, but you don’t want anyone to know it is you, so you write to a columnist. Do you know how many people read those things? Better to go to a doctor, dentist, shrink, hair dresser, personal shopper or whatever you need to resolve it. They’ve seen and heard worse. And hey, I’d rather have a snotty hair dresser know that I’ve got something funky going on with my scalp than to write “Dear Abby, my friend has this problem… Signed, Dandruff-covered Dancer in Dallas.” Everyone who knows you, knows it is you. Everyone who doesn’t know you stopped caring long ago.

5. The legitimate “My friend has this (insert personal hygiene, dress, appearance, etc here) problem… should I tell him/her?”

Your friend picks his/her nose in public. Gross. Should you tell him/her? YES. For the love of all that is holy tell this clueless person that you don’t want to share a bag of popcorn at the movies after witnessing that. Hey, if nose-picking is your thing, maybe you should do that at home. Let’s face it, we all are a little clueless about something – better to hear it from our friends in a nice way than to have some child screaming “BOOGER EATER” at the top of her lungs in the grocery store. I’m just saying.

6. The "Why doesn't my friend want to be my friend anymore?"

Friendships come and go. As sad as it is, friendships have a shelf-life. When it's over, it's over. The same is true of break-ups. Let. It. Go. Mourn it, but say good-bye and don't beg this person to be in your life.

So, to wrap up:

1. Leave.
2. Leave.
3. Be honest.
4. Admit you have a problem, and seek help.
5. Help your friend see the problem that everyone else sees (nicely).
6. Let it go.