Stop doing that

Really. Stop doing that please.

You, in the public restroom, the one who uses a seat protector and then leaves it on the seat? Why would anyone else want to touch that? And don’t flush it either, you just gum up the works.

You, in the obviously Freudian sports car, stop driving like you own the road. You cannot turn left from a right turn only lane. Yes, I saw you do that. Yes, you are a doofus.

You, on the cell phone in a crowded elevator, loudly repeating the same line over and over again. It wasn’t funny the first time you said it, and it gets less charming each time you repeat it.

You, with the shopping cart turned diagonally taking up the entire aisle because you got a little flustered about whether you should get oatie-os or oatie-os-plus.

You, with the gaggle of friends who are walking in a tight space and who without reason stop, backing up all human traffic in any direction.

You, standing outside the public restroom to have a conversation. Step away from the door. I said, step away. Stop blocking the door. Move it, woman!

You, stop staring at me while I brush my teeth. Why am I the freak because I want to erase the signs of lunch from my mouth? Heard of oral hygiene? If you don’t know what a toothbrush is, then I have no idea why you are spending all that effort and money on the plastic surgery, ‘cause when your teeth fall out ain’t nobody gonna be kissing that face.

You, in the 10 items or less aisle with more than 10 items. Die. Die screaming.

You, with the dog in a purse? You suck. I wish I could put you in a purse and see how you like it.

You, tabloids, I don’t believe that alien babies are infiltrating the FBI using cleverly encrypted gizmos that come out of the bubble gum machine. Who buys this crap?

You, gossip rags, stop creating amalgams of celebrity names. We don’t call you and your significant other Joheather. These names sound like failed As Seen on TV products, or new germs.

You, news reporters, stop acting like everything is earth shattering. Give me the facts, without the hype. Did you ever watch the likes of Edward R. Murrow? Hell, watch Anderson Cooper. Stop spazzing at us.

You, technology developers, don’t start marketing me the 1.0 and the second I buy it release the 2.0 with incentive goodies. I want incentive goodies!

You, with the perfume, cologne, or whatever that scent is. A dab please. If I can’t get fresh air outside when you are within 50 feet of me? Honey, did you swim in it?

There are so many of you out there, doing so many unpleasant things.

Just stop.