Ask Sarcastica

Dear Sarcastica,
My mom insists that I go to a family function next weekend. The problem is that I hate my extended family. How can I get out of this?
Signed,
Orphan wanna-be

Dear Teen,
I'm just going to channel my mother's essence on this one: family is the most important thing.

In other words, go, pretend to have a good time, and try to figure out which 6-toed sloth is actually the mailman's baby.

Dear Sarcastica,
How can I better manage my money?
Signed,
Broke

Dear Broken,
Again, thanks for the reams of data on this one. Here's the thing: FIND SOMEONE WHO KNOWS MATH AND ASK THEM TO HELP YOU.

Dear Sarcastica,
Do you have any good book recommendations?
Signed,
Literary

Dear Barely Literate,
Yes.

Dear Sarcastica,
I hear you have a killer homemade cheesecake recipe, will you share it?
Signed,
Hungry

Dear Eat-it,
No.

Dear Sarcastica,
Seriously, I hear it is wicked good.
Signed,
Hungrier

Dear I said Eat-it,
See, the thing is that I don't even know you, and this recipe is too good to fall into the wrong hands. And by wrong hands, I mean anyone that'll screw up the recipe and then say, 'well I just followed the directions'.


Dear Sarcastica,
Can you help with a grammar question? I am having trouble dealing with my tenses.
Signed,
Struggling

Dear Errata,
Yes, and so am I.

Dear Sarcastica,
There's a heat-wave sweeping the nation. Why do they say it is sweeping?
Signed,
Just wondering

Dear Metaphor,
Please hook up with Errata and Barely Literate and check out your local Community College offerings and leave me be.

Dear Sarcastica,
I don't have a boyfriend or any friends and I am really lonely. Should I get a dog? Signed,
Lonely Lass

Dear L,
Yes, as many as you can fit into your house. The stench will draw the attention of your neighbors and the authorities, so you'll meet lots of new people.

Dear Sarcastica,
The judge says I need anger-management therapy and I have to go to a 12-step program to stay out of jail. I think those both suck. How do I get away with not going?
Signed,
Rebel

Dear Without a Clue,
First, you tell that snotty judge that he's not the boss of you and he should shove it. Damn the man. Then, if you still have to go, find a group, go, sign the attendance form, eat some donuts and tell everyone what you think of those programs. That should take care of it.