Ask Sarcastica

Want your question answered? Just post a question and I will add it to next week's column!

Dear Sarcastica,
I am looking for a career change. Any advice?
Signed,
Job Hopper

Dear Slacker,
Given the copious amounts of information you provided about your likes, dislikes, and job history, I know exactly what you should be…UNEMPLOYED

Dear Sarcastica,
I want to be a poet. How can I get started?
Signed,
Poetic License

Dear Frosty,
Poetry is Easy
Just Write a Rhyme or Two
But What Will You Do
When you want to eat food?

Dear Sarcastica,
I want to get one of those cute little dogs I can carry around in my purse. What kind are they?
Signed,
Cutie Pie

Dear Cruelty to Animals,
Those are called RATS.

Dear Sarcastica,
Do you think it is okay for a 55-year-old to find love in the online dating world?
Signed,
Looking for Love

Dear Lonely Heart,
Those boards are generally filled with uggos and psychos. It's better to meet someone doing something you enjoy. I mean, if you're a lush, go to a bar. If you're a brainiac, go to the library. If you are computer-savvy enough to find the dating site, but not enough to avoid it, you are in the right place.

Dear Sarcastica,
My son never writes and he only calls when he knows I won’t be home.
Signed,
Boy’s Mama


Mom, is that you?


Dear Sarcastica,
My son has been living with me rent free for 9 months. I told him it was time for him to go, but he is still here. Help!
Signed,
Good Mother


Dear Pushover,
Who, may I ask, is the parent in your household? Lay down the law! Say to your belligerent child, "THIS IS THE LAW" and kick his ass out. And change the locks. And then watch him cry from the driveway.

Heh. I love to watch them cry.

Dear Sarcastica,
My husband wears size 52 jeans, but he gets mad that I wear extra-large instead of extra-small. Would he love me more if I were less of a woman?
Signed,
Extra Large

Dear Tiny,
Size 52? For the love of all that is holy do not, I repeat, do not let this person sit on you ever, in any context, in any position, for any reason.

Who cares if he loves you less? I mean, jesus christ on a crutch, he can't even reach you.

If I were you I'd hold a pint of ice cream just out of arms reach and taunt him.

Screw the fat bastard (not literally, see previous note)

Dear Sarcastica,
Katie Holmes said she eats lots of mac and cheese and her fridge is packed with food. Can I eat like that and be as thin as her?
Signed,
Hungry

Dear Calorie Challenged,

This is the same woman who allegedly let Tom Cruise impregnate her, alienate her from her family, force her to be a Scientologist, and give up medication and South Park. If you want to be like her, go join a cult.