Challenge My Way of Thinking

I'm not one to shy away from conflict or uncomfortable feelings - quite the contrary, I love a good battle of wills. I like people to challenge my thought process - make me see things from another perspective.

That is why I went to a diversity presentation yesterday. Challenge me. Show me something that I was unaware of. Hence, my interest in the topic of covering: "the phenomenon of 'covering,' a term used for the coerced hiding of crucial aspects of one's self." This is from the book: Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights by Kenji Yoshino, a law professor at Yale.

The basic premise is that we all hide things about ourselves to assimilate - things we may not even be aware of. Things like the mother who never talks about her kids so that people never assume she puts her job as her lowest priority; or the gay man who has no pictures of his partner on his desk, because it is okay to be gay, but not to flaunt it.

Or me.

The half-Jew who never questioned her own behavior or her feelings about both sides of her heritage.

It never occurred to me, prior to reading the description of the book, that I cover my religion-born-culture. This made me realize that when I am in a group of non-Jews and a "very Jewish" person is in the midst I find them annoying. The behavior seems cartoonish, exaggerated, even gratuitous.

In a group of Jews this never bothers me.

What am I afraid of?

Sure, my grandmother was in a concentration camp, so maybe there is some deep-seeded fear that some day the horrors of the holocaust could revisit the Jews. Would anyone care that my father's family isn't Jewish? Would that count?

Or maybe I am afraid of just being the 'other'. The one who stands out. The one who calls undue or unnecessary attention.

Or maybe it's just annoying. I mean, if you are with a group of subdued people and someone is jumping up and down, cracking jokes, or basically dancing around like a full-blown animated stereotype that is anything but subdued, then maybe that is just annoying.

I don't know. There's no easy answer. But this is the kind of thing that sparked my interest in going, because I was ready for someone to really challenge me.

Unfortunately, the presentation was very light. It was filled with personal anecdotes, that were touching, and I respect Mr. Yoshino for sharing himself so openly, but the whole thing seemed more like a primer to reading the book. Not exactly a sales pitch. But certainly more superficial than deep - I had no new epiphanies during the presentation. I just sat hoping that I would win the raffle for the free copy of the book - because I wanted to start reading it and push myself further.

One good point that Mr. Yoshino made (that I had already realized when I signed up for the presentation) is that most covering comes from within. It's our own baggage that makes us feel and behave this way. Sure, there are some people out there saying, "behave like this" - but usually it's us thinking, "I just want to blend in". Of course, I never realized that I wanted to blend in. I needed someone to show me that I could be doing that in some way. That blew my mind.

During the Q & A Mr. Yoshino said that he would not recommend approaching someone you think is covering and address it with them. Rather, he would suggest looking to see who may be putting that pressure on the person and address it with that person.

I'm sure there are many people that this works for. I'm more of a Socratic method girl myself. I like it better when someone poses a a situation or a question to me, like, "I'm worried about Sheila, she seems to be really reserved when we go out with her coworkers." Then, I think about Sheila, what I know of her, what I know of her situation, etc. and I do the whole personal extrapolation thing, "Well, I am not forthright with my coworkers..." and I think about why. Then, in the process of trying to help someone else, I realize things about myself. Maybe it isn't the most direct route, but sometimes I find it the most meaningful, because there is nothing judgmental or accusatory about it - it's me coming to a realization about myself.

I do this when I read, or watch tv or a movie, or even when I just have some random experience or thought. I like it. Sure, some times it makes me seem a melancholy (and sometimes I don't just seem it) - but when I am done I feel like I've done something significant.

As far as I am concerned, I don't want you to go to someone and say, "I think you are putting pressure on Sara..." don't shy away from these things with me - come to me. I like a challenge.

In the meantime, I'm hoping I win the raffle. The book sounds like it could really challenge the way I think.