Ask Sarcastica

In light of the holiday weekend, I'm posting the Dear Sarcastica a day early. Happy 4th!

Dear Sarcastica,
My parents want me to go to college, but I want to be an artist. What should I do?
Signed,
Andy W.

Dear Dime-a-dozen,
First, listen to your parents. You will have more fun in college than you ever dreamed possible.

Second, I can tell that you have absolutely no talent, so art is not really for you.

Dear Sarcastica,
What do you recommend to deal with PMS?
Signed,
Bloated and Cranky

Dear Hormonal,
Chocolate, ice cream, something salty, and a 12-gauge. The first three will make you less cranky and the fourth will keep people from bothering you.

Dear Sarcastica,
How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?
Signed,
Curious

Dear Crackhead,
Get a job and stop getting high.

Dear Sarcastica,
I think you are really mean! You should be ashamed of yourself!
Signed,
Nice person

Dear Nancy-boy,
Seriously, it's called a spine. You should look into that.


Dear Sarcastica,
I'm planning on hiking through the Mohave. Any advice?
Signed,
Avid Hiker

Dear Rabid,
Yeah. Don't.

Dear Sarcastica,
My boyfriend wants me to 'give him head' - what does that mean?
Signed,
Confused Teen

Dear Innocent,
Go to a voodoo shop and get him a shrunken head in a jar. When you give it to him, ask him if there are any other body parts he would like. I suspect he will not make this request again.

Dear Sarcastica,
What should I be when I grow up?
Signed,
Almost there

Dear Peter Pan,
If at all possible, don't. It's better to spend all day at recess than going to work.

Dear Sarcastica,
I want to marry someone rich and famous. How can I meet eligible stars?
Signed,
Ultimate Fan

Dear Fanwanker,
I hear stalking works really well. Also, if you don't meet your match, you get free room and board in a lovely minimum security facility.