Personal Truth

Somewhere in the wasteland between honest self-reflection and total narcissistic absorption you’ll run into truth you cannot deny.

It might be that maybe you are too naïve, or spoiled, or ill-mannered. For me, the truth that I heard throughout my childhood and sometimes into my adulthood for whatever reason hit me tonight as truth. I am a difficult person to get along with.

People frustrate me. I’ve never denied it. I usually shout it from the rooftops. People see that. They see my impatience. They see my frustration. They see that at that moment I do not like them for whatever reason.

The thing is, I am not intentionally rude or mean to people. But I hear it all the time. I’m mean. I’m sarcastic. I’m insensitive to others.

Am I?

Yes and no. Like anyone I have my good days and bad days. I used to have many more bad days than good (if you don’t believe me, head over to the Cosmic Gypsy Tea Room and ask my mother why she gave me two nicknames growing up: Mope and Bitch Woman). I didn’t know how my moods impacted other people, at home, at work, out in the world. And I was truly moody.

There’s a temper issue too. I do not have an even temperament. I get angry too easily. I want to yell. I used to yell, snark, scowl, insult, demean – you name it – at one point I did it.

Two things changed me. One, I had a great boss who actually sat me down and told me. He wasn’t accusatory, he wasn’t mean, he was trying to help me – and I could totally see that. It made a difference. I started to change.

The second thing was my relationship with Scott. Our friendship and inevitable romantic involvement gave me wisdom that I could never have attained through normal means. He taught me patience (it’s a work in progress), he taught me calmness (ditto), and he taught me that fighting is futile. It accomplishes nothing. He taught me that if you want to solve the problem, you have to work together towards a solution. No one wins if someone loses.

If we ever face the ultimate judgment – will it be based on our worst day? The day on which we were cruel, self-absorbed, thoughtless? Will it be based on our best day? The day that shows the potential of who we could be? Or will it be based on the journey – the progress we make along the way, to right our wrongs, to learn and grow?

No cosmic force started me down this path. No life-changing event. No haunting encounter. I was thinking about an assignment for work: my career goals. The form wants to know what I want to be when I grow up. I have no idea, so I took an assessment online. It said I get bored easily. I like frequent change. I like new things. None of this was news to me.

What do I want to be when I grow up? A good person. What do I want to do for a living? Something fun. Something challenging. Something that makes me a better person.

Sadly, that job is not listed in the drop-down menu.

I wish it was. That would be a goal worth attaining.