Ask Sarcastica

Dear Sarcastica,
People come in to my work place and say, "Nobody's here?" What can I do to get people to notice me?
Invisible

Dear Casper,
You have an exciting opportunity - haunting people without dying! When someone comes into your office and says "Nobody's here?" you should say loudly while looking away from this jackass, "Did you hear that? I swear I heard someone" then turn back to your computer and continue working.

I guarantee that people will notice you once they realize that they need to.

Dear Sarcastica,
What do you recommend for a cold?
Signed,
Sniffly

Dear Infector,
First, homemade chicken soup is the best - so have someone make you some. Drink lots of tea, stay warm, and most importantly DO NOT COME INTO THE OFFICE! I hate when sick people come to work and get me sick, and if you come into my office and get me sick your cold will be the least of your worries because I will KICK YOUR ASS!

Dear Sarcastica,
Is it okay to lie on your resume?
Signed,
Looking for a new job

Dear Liar Liar,
DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU THAT LYING IS WRONG? WRONG! Very very bad! Horrible! Evil! Wrong! You are driving your mother to an early grave mister!

Okay, now let's talk resumes, the thing is there is lying and there is good writing. Lying is something like: Sold $1MM when the company sold 1MM and you sold $25. Good writing goes something like this: Helped company achieve the 1MM sales goal.

Dear Sarcastica,
Last week you called me an STD and said my boyfriend is cheating on me. Well I asked him and he said you are totally wrong.

Dear Gullible,
Listen sweetie, he is and you are. That's it. Did you expect him to say, "Yes, it's true, and you should see a doctor?" Because seriously, if he is dishonest enough to cheat he is dishonest enough to lie too.

Dear Sarcastica,
Is pot addictive?
Signed,
Experimental

Dear Stoner,
I've seen reports go either way on this. The best thing is for you to assess your own reaction and frequency of use. Also, if you gain a significant amount of weight you should probably cut back on the pot. I'm just saying.

Dear Sarcastica,
What's your sign?
Signed,
Star-eyed

Dear Hippie,
It's my middle finger extended upwards.

Dear Sarcastica,
What should I major in when I go to college in the fall?
Signed,
Undecided

Dear Future Frat Boy,
It all depends. Do you come from money? If so, do whatever the heck you want. If not, you need something that makes money but won't totally kill you. Try finance.