Advice for a Friendly Office Wager?

We've got three football fans on my team (myself being one of them) and we're trying to come up with friendly (i.e. no money) wager on games.

Da Bears play GB twice.
Da Bears play the Giants once.

GB and the Giants do not play each other.

So again, it's me against them.

Here's the preliminary thoughts:

• Send an email extolling the virtue of the winning team
• Send an email shamefully bashing the losing team
• Wear the winning team's jersey
• Place a team bobble head where everyone can see it in your cubicle

Thoughts?

Ask Sarcastica

Dear Sarcastica,
You seemed really pissy last week. Are you okay?
Signed,
Concerned Reader

Dear Polly Prissy Pants,
Aaaaand your point would be?

Dear Sarcastica,
They are sending my job overseas! The anti-American bastards! What should I do to get even?
Signed,
Patriotic and Pissed Off

Dear It's Better to be Pissed Off,
You could spend all your free time picketing the White House. Or, you know, you could look for another job - cause one of these things will feed, clothe, and house you, and the other will do so at the taxpayers' expense.

Dear Sarcastica,
I'm sick of all this PC bullshit. I want to act like Dr. House! Are you with me?
Signed,
Mad as Hell

Dear PinC,
Um, listen, few people are cute enough to get away with acting like a first-rate asshole. It also helps to be clever.

Since you are neither, I suggest you leave the blatant snarking to me and Greg.

Dear Sarcastica,
My husband never helps out around the house. Do you have any advice?
Signed,
Knee Deep in Dirt

Dear Cinderella,
This is an easy one. You either a) bribe him with sex (or whatever he wants) or b) you hire a cleaning service.

Or, you could adopt a handful of children who are old enough to be potty trained, yet young enough that they don't know how to drive (limit the escape options). I mean, how great would it be to have an entire cleaning staff that you pay with Mac-N-Cheese?

Dear Sarcastica,
There are all these stories in the news about pit bulls killing people and towns like Denver outlawing the breed. Do you think we should get rid of pit bulls?
Signed,
Scared of Dogs

Dear Dumbass,
People are responsible. People train their dogs to sit, stay, and some assholes train them to kill. The dog is just doing what it has learned to do.

I say anyone that trains a household dog (i.e. not police or military) to use deadly force against other dogs or humans should be stripped, covered in peanut butter and honey, and dropped in the wilderness between a bee farm and a wild bear sanctuary. Let's see how those assholes like getting ripped to shreds.

Challenge My Way of Thinking

I'm not one to shy away from conflict or uncomfortable feelings - quite the contrary, I love a good battle of wills. I like people to challenge my thought process - make me see things from another perspective.

That is why I went to a diversity presentation yesterday. Challenge me. Show me something that I was unaware of. Hence, my interest in the topic of covering: "the phenomenon of 'covering,' a term used for the coerced hiding of crucial aspects of one's self." This is from the book: Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights by Kenji Yoshino, a law professor at Yale.

The basic premise is that we all hide things about ourselves to assimilate - things we may not even be aware of. Things like the mother who never talks about her kids so that people never assume she puts her job as her lowest priority; or the gay man who has no pictures of his partner on his desk, because it is okay to be gay, but not to flaunt it.

Or me.

The half-Jew who never questioned her own behavior or her feelings about both sides of her heritage.

It never occurred to me, prior to reading the description of the book, that I cover my religion-born-culture. This made me realize that when I am in a group of non-Jews and a "very Jewish" person is in the midst I find them annoying. The behavior seems cartoonish, exaggerated, even gratuitous.

In a group of Jews this never bothers me.

What am I afraid of?

Sure, my grandmother was in a concentration camp, so maybe there is some deep-seeded fear that some day the horrors of the holocaust could revisit the Jews. Would anyone care that my father's family isn't Jewish? Would that count?

Or maybe I am afraid of just being the 'other'. The one who stands out. The one who calls undue or unnecessary attention.

Or maybe it's just annoying. I mean, if you are with a group of subdued people and someone is jumping up and down, cracking jokes, or basically dancing around like a full-blown animated stereotype that is anything but subdued, then maybe that is just annoying.

I don't know. There's no easy answer. But this is the kind of thing that sparked my interest in going, because I was ready for someone to really challenge me.

Unfortunately, the presentation was very light. It was filled with personal anecdotes, that were touching, and I respect Mr. Yoshino for sharing himself so openly, but the whole thing seemed more like a primer to reading the book. Not exactly a sales pitch. But certainly more superficial than deep - I had no new epiphanies during the presentation. I just sat hoping that I would win the raffle for the free copy of the book - because I wanted to start reading it and push myself further.

One good point that Mr. Yoshino made (that I had already realized when I signed up for the presentation) is that most covering comes from within. It's our own baggage that makes us feel and behave this way. Sure, there are some people out there saying, "behave like this" - but usually it's us thinking, "I just want to blend in". Of course, I never realized that I wanted to blend in. I needed someone to show me that I could be doing that in some way. That blew my mind.

During the Q & A Mr. Yoshino said that he would not recommend approaching someone you think is covering and address it with them. Rather, he would suggest looking to see who may be putting that pressure on the person and address it with that person.

I'm sure there are many people that this works for. I'm more of a Socratic method girl myself. I like it better when someone poses a a situation or a question to me, like, "I'm worried about Sheila, she seems to be really reserved when we go out with her coworkers." Then, I think about Sheila, what I know of her, what I know of her situation, etc. and I do the whole personal extrapolation thing, "Well, I am not forthright with my coworkers..." and I think about why. Then, in the process of trying to help someone else, I realize things about myself. Maybe it isn't the most direct route, but sometimes I find it the most meaningful, because there is nothing judgmental or accusatory about it - it's me coming to a realization about myself.

I do this when I read, or watch tv or a movie, or even when I just have some random experience or thought. I like it. Sure, some times it makes me seem a melancholy (and sometimes I don't just seem it) - but when I am done I feel like I've done something significant.

As far as I am concerned, I don't want you to go to someone and say, "I think you are putting pressure on Sara..." don't shy away from these things with me - come to me. I like a challenge.

In the meantime, I'm hoping I win the raffle. The book sounds like it could really challenge the way I think.

Ask Sarcastica

Dear Sarcastica,
My mom insists that I go to a family function next weekend. The problem is that I hate my extended family. How can I get out of this?
Signed,
Orphan wanna-be

Dear Teen,
I'm just going to channel my mother's essence on this one: family is the most important thing.

In other words, go, pretend to have a good time, and try to figure out which 6-toed sloth is actually the mailman's baby.

Dear Sarcastica,
How can I better manage my money?
Signed,
Broke

Dear Broken,
Again, thanks for the reams of data on this one. Here's the thing: FIND SOMEONE WHO KNOWS MATH AND ASK THEM TO HELP YOU.

Dear Sarcastica,
Do you have any good book recommendations?
Signed,
Literary

Dear Barely Literate,
Yes.

Dear Sarcastica,
I hear you have a killer homemade cheesecake recipe, will you share it?
Signed,
Hungry

Dear Eat-it,
No.

Dear Sarcastica,
Seriously, I hear it is wicked good.
Signed,
Hungrier

Dear I said Eat-it,
See, the thing is that I don't even know you, and this recipe is too good to fall into the wrong hands. And by wrong hands, I mean anyone that'll screw up the recipe and then say, 'well I just followed the directions'.


Dear Sarcastica,
Can you help with a grammar question? I am having trouble dealing with my tenses.
Signed,
Struggling

Dear Errata,
Yes, and so am I.

Dear Sarcastica,
There's a heat-wave sweeping the nation. Why do they say it is sweeping?
Signed,
Just wondering

Dear Metaphor,
Please hook up with Errata and Barely Literate and check out your local Community College offerings and leave me be.

Dear Sarcastica,
I don't have a boyfriend or any friends and I am really lonely. Should I get a dog? Signed,
Lonely Lass

Dear L,
Yes, as many as you can fit into your house. The stench will draw the attention of your neighbors and the authorities, so you'll meet lots of new people.

Dear Sarcastica,
The judge says I need anger-management therapy and I have to go to a 12-step program to stay out of jail. I think those both suck. How do I get away with not going?
Signed,
Rebel

Dear Without a Clue,
First, you tell that snotty judge that he's not the boss of you and he should shove it. Damn the man. Then, if you still have to go, find a group, go, sign the attendance form, eat some donuts and tell everyone what you think of those programs. That should take care of it.

How do you Jump the Shark in Space?

So we're watching the season premier of Stargate SG-1 Friday night, and I said, "This reminds me of a storyline they did on this episode of Star Trek TNG."

Scott's reply? "Isn't this a sign they've Jumped the Shark?"

I'm not sure. I think that Stargate does crappy season premiers - mostly because they build this catastrophic, enormous season finales that are hard to resolve when the new season begins. I remember at the beginning of last season thinking that this was it. The show was finally done. But the season turned out okay - maybe not their finest season, but certainly no worse than the year of Jonas Quinn.

But.

As this season approaches its 200th episode - I have to ask - how much more is there to do in this show?

First, the whole stargate thing, while a continuation of the movie plotline, was in fact, clever and original.

The original baddies are gross, scary, and mean.

Then came the replicators. And if you have ever seen a little-known Tom Selleck flick called Runaway, you know what these creepy things are and that you don't want them around. Again, the idea was already out there.

Now we've got these supernatural religious zealots and their offspring ala Deanna Troi's alien-baby. Again, been there and done that.

Usually, it's easy to overlook or to accept because they spin it in a way that is true to the show.

And Stargate has been a phenomenal success, which is in no small part due to their creativity and innovation. It's a show I generally enjoy watching. But more and more I find myself saying, That was fair. That was okay. That was a waste of an hour.

I wonder too, when the show finally does go off the air if they will find a creative out or go some cheesy cartoon route of having all the bad guys band together to battle the good guys over the fate of the universe.

So I sit here, apprehensively awaiting this week's episode and thinking to myself, if we see one sign of Henry Winkler or water-skis, I'm out.

Ask Sarcastica

Want your question answered? Just post a question and I will add it to next week's column!

Dear Sarcastica,
I am looking for a career change. Any advice?
Signed,
Job Hopper

Dear Slacker,
Given the copious amounts of information you provided about your likes, dislikes, and job history, I know exactly what you should be…UNEMPLOYED

Dear Sarcastica,
I want to be a poet. How can I get started?
Signed,
Poetic License

Dear Frosty,
Poetry is Easy
Just Write a Rhyme or Two
But What Will You Do
When you want to eat food?

Dear Sarcastica,
I want to get one of those cute little dogs I can carry around in my purse. What kind are they?
Signed,
Cutie Pie

Dear Cruelty to Animals,
Those are called RATS.

Dear Sarcastica,
Do you think it is okay for a 55-year-old to find love in the online dating world?
Signed,
Looking for Love

Dear Lonely Heart,
Those boards are generally filled with uggos and psychos. It's better to meet someone doing something you enjoy. I mean, if you're a lush, go to a bar. If you're a brainiac, go to the library. If you are computer-savvy enough to find the dating site, but not enough to avoid it, you are in the right place.

Dear Sarcastica,
My son never writes and he only calls when he knows I won’t be home.
Signed,
Boy’s Mama


Mom, is that you?


Dear Sarcastica,
My son has been living with me rent free for 9 months. I told him it was time for him to go, but he is still here. Help!
Signed,
Good Mother


Dear Pushover,
Who, may I ask, is the parent in your household? Lay down the law! Say to your belligerent child, "THIS IS THE LAW" and kick his ass out. And change the locks. And then watch him cry from the driveway.

Heh. I love to watch them cry.

Dear Sarcastica,
My husband wears size 52 jeans, but he gets mad that I wear extra-large instead of extra-small. Would he love me more if I were less of a woman?
Signed,
Extra Large

Dear Tiny,
Size 52? For the love of all that is holy do not, I repeat, do not let this person sit on you ever, in any context, in any position, for any reason.

Who cares if he loves you less? I mean, jesus christ on a crutch, he can't even reach you.

If I were you I'd hold a pint of ice cream just out of arms reach and taunt him.

Screw the fat bastard (not literally, see previous note)

Dear Sarcastica,
Katie Holmes said she eats lots of mac and cheese and her fridge is packed with food. Can I eat like that and be as thin as her?
Signed,
Hungry

Dear Calorie Challenged,

This is the same woman who allegedly let Tom Cruise impregnate her, alienate her from her family, force her to be a Scientologist, and give up medication and South Park. If you want to be like her, go join a cult.

Signs Your Spouse Would Murder You

Good Morning America posted this helpful list on ABC news to give us some insight into whether or not our spouses are homicidal maniacs.

I've constructed my own list of signs that your death at the hands of a loved one is imminent:

1. He spends a great deal of time sharpening his new axe and calling it "my precious".
2. He holds flower arrangement pictures near your head and says, "this will nicely match the coffin".
3. Your insurance agent calls to verify the increase in your policy payout amount, and the addition of a number of unusual 'accidental death' clauses.
4. While reading the newspaper you stumble across your own obituary.
5. All the sugar and sugar substitute in your house smells like almonds.
6. He has rented a series of movies about 'the perfect murder' and is taking copious notes.
7. You receive a ticking package with a note on top that you should only open when alone.
8. He books a trip and neglects to make your ticket round-trip.
9. He's doing his best Elmer Fudd impersonation all day long, but his 'wabbit' sounds an awful lot like 'wife'.
10. He puts a note in your lunch that says, "I'm sure gonna miss you!"

Ask Sarcastica

Dear Sarcastica,
People come in to my work place and say, "Nobody's here?" What can I do to get people to notice me?
Invisible

Dear Casper,
You have an exciting opportunity - haunting people without dying! When someone comes into your office and says "Nobody's here?" you should say loudly while looking away from this jackass, "Did you hear that? I swear I heard someone" then turn back to your computer and continue working.

I guarantee that people will notice you once they realize that they need to.

Dear Sarcastica,
What do you recommend for a cold?
Signed,
Sniffly

Dear Infector,
First, homemade chicken soup is the best - so have someone make you some. Drink lots of tea, stay warm, and most importantly DO NOT COME INTO THE OFFICE! I hate when sick people come to work and get me sick, and if you come into my office and get me sick your cold will be the least of your worries because I will KICK YOUR ASS!

Dear Sarcastica,
Is it okay to lie on your resume?
Signed,
Looking for a new job

Dear Liar Liar,
DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU THAT LYING IS WRONG? WRONG! Very very bad! Horrible! Evil! Wrong! You are driving your mother to an early grave mister!

Okay, now let's talk resumes, the thing is there is lying and there is good writing. Lying is something like: Sold $1MM when the company sold 1MM and you sold $25. Good writing goes something like this: Helped company achieve the 1MM sales goal.

Dear Sarcastica,
Last week you called me an STD and said my boyfriend is cheating on me. Well I asked him and he said you are totally wrong.

Dear Gullible,
Listen sweetie, he is and you are. That's it. Did you expect him to say, "Yes, it's true, and you should see a doctor?" Because seriously, if he is dishonest enough to cheat he is dishonest enough to lie too.

Dear Sarcastica,
Is pot addictive?
Signed,
Experimental

Dear Stoner,
I've seen reports go either way on this. The best thing is for you to assess your own reaction and frequency of use. Also, if you gain a significant amount of weight you should probably cut back on the pot. I'm just saying.

Dear Sarcastica,
What's your sign?
Signed,
Star-eyed

Dear Hippie,
It's my middle finger extended upwards.

Dear Sarcastica,
What should I major in when I go to college in the fall?
Signed,
Undecided

Dear Future Frat Boy,
It all depends. Do you come from money? If so, do whatever the heck you want. If not, you need something that makes money but won't totally kill you. Try finance.

Writing Project Chapter: What's a Token Half-Jew?

[Chapter excerpt]

By religious standards I am fully Jewish. My mother is Jewish. End of story. But, my dad isn’t Jewish, and because of that I have this whole other influence on who I am.

Spiritually, I’m Jewish. When people ask, I say I am Jewish (although depending on the audience I may call myself a mutt or half-breed just to see the responses).

The token part is where I get into trouble. A token is expected to somehow represent a group, and be able to espouse knowledge of it. Sure, I’m spiritually Jewish, but I know as much about my religion from Jewish comedians as I do from my religious upbringing.

But try explaining that to the people who rely on me to be their source of all things Jewish.

One of my favorite questions came from my mother-in-law, bless her heart. It went something like this:

“Sara, someone in our complex died.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“She was…” she lowers her voice to a whisper, “Jewish”

“Oh”

“What do we do?”

“Do you mean her dead body is still there?”

“Um, no”

“Okay, I’m confused. What’s the question?”

“Well, we want to have a little get-together service here for the residents who won’t be able to attend the funeral.”

“Okaaaaay”

“Do we need a Rabbi?”

“To do what?”

“I don’t know. I thought we might need one. Do you know where I can find a Rabbi?”

“Did she belong to a temple?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, let’s start with this idea: if she was Christian, would you bring in a priest for the get-together?”

“No.”

“So why do you need a Rabbi?”

“I don’t know, I thought it was a rule.”

Where do people come up with these rules, and why do they ask me about them?

My Writing Project

Flexing this muscle has either reinvigorated my creative spirit or turned me into a masochistic unrealistic fool. Either way, I am going to embark on a very public experiment, and you can judge for yourself.

I’m writing a book of essays. There, I said it.

Each week I will publish an excerpt of a chapter I am working on (I’ll put something in the title to designate it as part of the book project). It’ll probably be a few paragraphs to give you a sense of the topic and to test out the material. Constructive criticism is welcome. For those of you who don’t know what constructive means, in short it means helpful, actionable feedback. If you can’t say anything useful, we’ll rake you over the coals.

Nice isn’t necessary. I mean, I’m not that hypocritical.

Oh, and just so you know the overall topic the essays will address, I’m calling my work in progress: Token Half-Jew.

Kate Bosworth is NOT Lois Lane

We saw Superman tonight and I had a great many fears - would this new Superman be able to fill the mighty legacy left by Christopher Reeve? Would Kevin Spacey play Lex Luthor as too campy - someone we couldn't take seriously as a villain?

Brandon Routh is superb. He embodied everything Reeve did. He could be Reeve's clone. He looked the part, he captured the part, he was amazing and adorable.

Kevin Spacey - I am sorry I doubted you. When I first saw you in The Usual Suspects I thought you were a brilliant actor. I thought Luthor was all wrong for you. How wrong I was. Bravo. Bravo for taking the risk and bravo for a job well done.

Ms. Bosworth - you are no Lois Lane. Not now. Not ever.

Back in the day, when Ms. Kidder was Lois Lane we all got why Superman loved her - she was the yin to his yang, the fire to his serenity, the only one that had the gumption to take him on, and the vulnerability to melt for him. We loved him more because he loved her. For all her neuroses (Lane, not Kidder, although we know now what we didn't know then), she was an amazing woman, and it was easy to want them together.

Not so with this Lane-less endeavor. She of the obviously poorly dyed hair. She of the wishy-washy persona. She who delivers all her lines like whiny angst-ridden questions. This is not our Lois Lane.

For the first time I found myself wanting Lane to die. For Superman to let her fall off this mortal coil - to cease, perchance to die.

If there is a sequel, Brandon and Kevin will be eagerly welcomed back.

Ms. Bosworth, on the other hand, would be wise to have a conflict of interest. Go back to being blonde, go back to your surfboard, go back to trading barbs with the likes of Topher Grace (no offense, Topher), but whatever you do, just go away and leave Superman alone.

The Best Job I've Ever Had

I'm not talking about the 9-to-6 kind, I'm talking about the roles we play in our lives that, in reality, are as much work if not more than the office kind.

I'm talking about being a spouse.

It is work, y'all. Don't kid yourselves. There are days it feels like work, and there are days it feels like a dream come true.

Even with my feminist leanings I still find myself entrenched in the gender-specific role of wife. There are things I do that Scott does not do. There are things Scott does that I do not do.

Right now, for instance, Scott is on his second tech support call of the day. The first was to Comcast because our phone is being... odd. The second, which he has been on for 90 minutes, is with the TiVo folks to make the TiVo work.

These are things that are best left to Scott. Not because I am not technical, but because I am not patient. I am not willing to redo all of my initial troubleshooting with someone over the phone, and I am particularly unwilling to have someone talk to me as if I were a child simply because I am a woman, or because I am not an engineer.

But there are things I do that just seem to fall to me. Sure, there are the typical cooking duties, but there are also the neurotic issues such as worrying about everything that can be worried about. I get that one, not because I am a woman, but because I have a chemical anxiety issue and Scott could sleep peacefully through the apocalypse and when he woke up would not be worried about the charred remains around him, but would rather think that's odd.

So while Scott is on the phone I found myself in front of the mirror primping. New haircut, new make-up. Making myself pretty. Putting on my face. I'm not a girly-girl, so it amuses me that I do this. I do it for me. I do it for Scott. I don't know if Scott even notices when I put on make-up, but he always looks at me like I am pretty, and that somehow makes it more important that I make the effort.

And I start thinking how silly this is. He's fixing a problem, I am playing with make-up and it seems like a fair distribution of work. He doesn't want to primp any more than I want to talk to tech support. At this moment, I know we each feel like we got the better task. And yet I ask myself, is there any part of being married, sharing a home, sharing finances, that feels unbalanced? Is the distribution of work skewed?

Sure, I worry, he sleeps. I do the daily dishes, he scrubs the ones that can't go in the dishwasher. I notice how dirty the house is and perform the basic straightening up, he takes out the trash.

Mostly, I provide the timetable and the distribution of work. He does all the heavy-lifting (and the man even vacuums). I do the rest.

Sure, there are days it seems like he's got the better deal, and there are days where it seems like I got the better deal. Over time I think it works out pretty well.

But there isn't a job I have ever found more enjoyable, because at the end of the day we share it all, our hopes, our fears, our dreams, and yes, even our chores. It's the best feeling in the world to know that we're in this together, come hell or recent East coast flood waters.